Saturday, January 26, 2008

Reminder

The showers for those of my girlfriends due the week I was are coming up soon. I knew this time would come, and I was really dreading it. It is such a painful reminder of that which I thought would be but which will not. In August we each, in the privacy of our own lives, saw a positive pregnancy test and felt the excitement that comes along with it. We each innocently began to make plans, to fix a future date in our minds, to look ahead to April without any thought that anything could go wrong. And for the other three, it didn't. Part of me almost wishes my next appointment was after these showers rather than before them, as I fear that appointment will go badly, and the sorrow will overwhelm me, and I won't be able to be there at all. As the midwife pointed out at my last appointment, seeing a heartbeat at 6w2d didn't really change the risk profile at all.

We decided, after it became clear that we weren't going to get any Red Sox tickets this year (screw you, Virtual Waiting Room, and screw you scalpers who bought all the tickets and had them listed on eBay while we were still trying to get through), to head to that scary mecca down the road otherwise known as BRU to do some shower gift shopping. Like many others, I have such a love-hate relationship with that place. But we went. And I bought some registered-for gifts, small and soft and sweet. And P and I dared to look at some of the bedding sets. And he has a weird obsession with Pack N Plays, so we looked at some of those too. And we actually caved and bought ourselves two tiny pieces of clothing. I love them and the hope and promise that they represent. I just want to look at them all the time, as though they might somehow serve as amulets to ward of any ill that could befall us. As though they have the power to fill themselves with a warm, wiggling, crying, pooping body come September. As though they have some sort of power of their own, other than that which I ascribe to them.

3 comments:

Katie said...

Oh, I know your fear. I know how easy it is to think of all the bad that can happen. Just remember, of the four of you that were pregnant, THREE went on to have babies. What happened to you is the minority situation, and shouldn't happen again. These are things that I have to tell myself every single day.

Your next appointment - and the good news that I pray will come with it - can't come soon enough!

Jen said...

I have my own piece of tiny clothing hidden away.

I'm sorry that you have such blatent reminders of what went wrong. I hope you are able to make it through these showers with strength and not too much overwhelming sadness.

Loren said...

I completely know how you feel. I,too, had my loss in september, due in april...funny how our worlds are pretty parallel, hmm? Anyway, I hope you can have peace and hope right now. We've bought clothes,too, and I look at them as tangible evidence that it WILL be successful. After you see a heartbeat at 6weeks, your MC rate goes down to five percent. I don't know why your midwife wasn't more encouraging....