Friday, November 9, 2007

In the end: September/October, loss

The D&E itself wasn't that eventful. I was ordered not to drink or eat after midnight and to report at 11 (I think). I got there and was shuffled around from room to room while they looked for somewhere to do the paperwork. Of course, when we went through the name part, the nurse commented on our uncommon last name, and, as usual, it turned out she knew Ps mom -- in fact, Ps mom had had that same job before her. Fantastic. We were eventually moved to another room and introduced to another nurse and the anesthesiologist, neither of whom knew my MIL, thankfully.

I couldn't stop crying. The nurse asked why I was crying, was I in pain? The question seemed absurd to me -- why the hell do you think I'm crying? You're doping me up because my baby died but won't leave so you need to suction it out of me. Wouldn't you cry? I mumbled something about being sad.

The doctor wasn't someone I had met before. He seemed callous to me, talking at micromachine man speed with what seemed to be a smirk on his face though I'm sure I was just being overly sensitive. I realize he does tons of these (200 a year, he said -- and only 3% have complications, he said, though neither fact was much comfort to me), so it may be easier for him if he distances himself from the emotional pain of it, but it's not a situation I find myself in every day, and I could use a bit more gentleness as far as bedside manner is concerned.

Once they concluded that I was sufficiently hydrated and sufficiently drugged, they had me wheel myself into the procedure room. Another girl wheeled past me, and I recognized the expression on her face -- vacant, worn and spent, raw, red and pasty. I wanted to say something to her but there really isn't anything to say that can't be conveyed without words.

I was conscious throughout the procedure but don't remember much. P said I babbled a bit. I remember when it was over, before I went into the recovery room, telling P I wanted a tattoo of Roo with angel wings and the EDD. It now seems rather ridiculous.

In the recovery room, I ate peanut butter crackers and drank juice. I felt extremely hungry and extremely empty. When we left, I closed my eyes, scared we would see pregnant people coming out of the Obstetrics ward, placed, of course, right next to Surgical Procedures. Totally awesome. We stopped for ice cream on the way home, and I got my favorite sundae (chocolate ice cream, peanut butter sauce, whipped cream and nuts). P had to go back to work that afternoon. So I made a grilled cheese and sat on the couch, mindlessly watching tv.

And sometimes I feel like that's where I've been ever since. I go to work, I go to church, I see friends, I even went to a Pats game, but a part of me seems always to be on that couch, staring blankly at the tv. Thankfully, I think I am snapping out of it.


Jen said...

I know how you feel. There's a part of me that doesn't care about little things any more. Why should I, when I lost my baby? It gets easier over time, though, for me to resume caring about my regular life.

Katie said...

Ah. It's been almost a year and sometimes, I still sit on that couch. What a perfect way to put it.

FXSmom said...

I have never understood why they put the moms who have had babies next to the moms who have lost babies. That has always just ticked me off. It is sooo insensitive.

I lost my first baby. Then about 3 years later I had my son. I was in the exact same room on the exact same floor. So I'm trying to be overjoyed about the new little life I'm holding but fighting emotions over memories of the life I had lost.

It's disgusting.

niobe said...

The nurse asked why I was crying, was I in pain?

It must be what they're trained to say, because nurses kept asking me that exact same question over and over again.

Ms. Infertile said...

"I felt extremely empty" - I understand. I felt that way too and if I allow myslef to think about it, I still to this day feel that empty feeling. It is awful and I'm sorry you had to feel it.