4w2d

I feel like I spend a lot of time hiding my negative feelings from everyone in my life, including those of you who visit me here, which allows these feelings to eat away at me in what is probably a very unhealthy way. So, in the interest of self-preservation:

I spend about 1/3 of my day convinced that it's chemical. I peed on another pee stick this morning, and it was darker than Friday's. I thought it might alleviate some of these concerns but it didn't. Maybe a little bit, but not much.

I spend the remaining 2/3 of my day convinced that it's ectopic. I have had a pain in my lower left abdominal area on and off since last week. It comes and goes and seems worse after I eat dairy (but is there sometimes even when I don't), which suggests it could just be gas, but I've never had gas pains stay in a single place for so long. It's more dull than sharp but more localized than diffuse. It's about 2-3 inches in from the top of the left side of my pelvic bone. Part of me is convinced it's psychosomatic. The other part of me is sure that if something were going to go wrong this time, it would be more psychically satisfying if it were something different than last time, and this would fit the bill.

You might notice that my worrying leaves little time for much of anything else in my day. Sadly, I remain an unproductive slug, living in constant fear that I'm going to get fired for sucking so much.

I don't know that I really feel any better for sharing and releasing some of these noxious negative feelings, but hopefully that will happen with time.