Tuesday, January 8, 2008


I feel like I spend a lot of time hiding my negative feelings from everyone in my life, including those of you who visit me here, which allows these feelings to eat away at me in what is probably a very unhealthy way. So, in the interest of self-preservation:

I spend about 1/3 of my day convinced that it's chemical. I peed on another pee stick this morning, and it was darker than Friday's. I thought it might alleviate some of these concerns but it didn't. Maybe a little bit, but not much.

I spend the remaining 2/3 of my day convinced that it's ectopic. I have had a pain in my lower left abdominal area on and off since last week. It comes and goes and seems worse after I eat dairy (but is there sometimes even when I don't), which suggests it could just be gas, but I've never had gas pains stay in a single place for so long. It's more dull than sharp but more localized than diffuse. It's about 2-3 inches in from the top of the left side of my pelvic bone. Part of me is convinced it's psychosomatic. The other part of me is sure that if something were going to go wrong this time, it would be more psychically satisfying if it were something different than last time, and this would fit the bill.

You might notice that my worrying leaves little time for much of anything else in my day. Sadly, I remain an unproductive slug, living in constant fear that I'm going to get fired for sucking so much.

I don't know that I really feel any better for sharing and releasing some of these noxious negative feelings, but hopefully that will happen with time.


christyna said...

it could have implanted on that side and cramping is VERY normal early on. more than often short quick painful but not painful twinges. especially when stading up after sitting, like a muscle extending from a cramp? How you feel is very normal too so try to remember that, and don't be so hard on yourself. I would imagine, I think about it all the time, you could feel lieke this until you're at the first big safety mark...12 weeks. Worry if need be but try to keep some hope...you've given some to me.

Katie said...

I also have a similar pain. . . wonder if it's the infamous round ligament pain.

And from one very unproductive, obsessed slug to another, we'll get through this. . . somehow.

Jen said...

You will make it! I am really good at creating my own psychosomatic pain, so I hope that is what you are feeling.

I would be scared. Don't worry about sharing your negative feelings. We understand.

SaraS-P said...

oh wow, I see you are in a familiar place for me. Seriously, even seeing "4w" makes me think of the intense anxiety that comes with those 2 lines. Why can't we jump up and down and start to plan a nursery like the women in the pregnancy test commercials?

How can I tell you not be worried when I know it is to be expected for anyone who has ever had a loss? I think it is better to be worried and get a pleasant surprise than be optimistic and get blindsided.

I will be checking back as you get through the first trimester, i.e., the ultra-scary time of uncertainty. Hoping for good reports and sighs of relief.

sushilover said...

Ha! You said it, I'm convinced on any given day that I have a ectopic, molar or chemical pregnancy...or just a missed miscarriage. And when I don't have a random pain on my side I'm concerned that I don't. What the hell???? You should be able to tell by your first appt. if you are clear of an ectopic. I remember my ob seeing the first ultrasound last time and being able to see that it was not ectopic.

Yodasmistress said...

I have a confession to make. Sometimes I write blog entries that I don't post. It can help me to get things out that I don't necessarily want to share but that I feel like I need to get out. You might try that. HOWEVER, please do not EVER, EVER feel like you CAN'T post something - real support means that we take the good with the bad. If you can't be yourself on your anonymous blog then where CAN you? Big hugs!