Sunday, January 20, 2008

6w0d

Two more sleeps to go until the first appointment. The appointment is Tuesday morning at 10.

The last time I had this first appointment (though at 7w3d last time), we spent what seemed like forever talking about pregnancy -- symptoms, what to avoid (according to the midwife, everything), what to expect, my medical history, our families' reproductive histories, what bloodwork I would be having. Going into the appointment I had had a sinking feeling that something was wrong, but it was that instinctual kind of feeling, whereas intellectually everything seemed fine, so I did my best to set that gut feeling aside. We were unbelievably excited and hopeful. Looking back, I want to kick myself for being so naive, so ignorant of the statistical risks, so fucking idiotic I hate myself for thinking about how nice an April - October maternity leave would be, for worrying about P potentially having to share his birthday, for hoping we would know the sex of our baby by Thanksgiving.

The midwife offered me a quick scan using the portable ultrasound machine in the office. And that's when everything went shitty. She said she would still send me for bloodwork (along with a referral for a formal ultrasound to confirm what she saw, or didn't see (which it didn't, though the news still wasn't good)), but said she was canceling some of the tests, "since there didn't appear to be a viable pregnancy." And she then gave us the "at least..." talk, the one filled with platitudes, each of which begins with that hateful phrase.

P and I both still have really bad feelings about that appointment, for a lot of different reasons. This makes it much harder to get excited for the same thing this time. P thinks the midwife is going to say something hideously insensitive (his favorite suggestion was "So, back for round two?"). I'm just terrified it'll be exactly like last time -- we'll spend a lot of time talking about pregnancy, only to find out something is wrong with mine. The extreme high, the extreme low, the two weeks of limbo. I just want the appointment to be over, for better or for worse. Please God let it be for better.

8 comments:

Jen said...

I don't think you were really naive last time. Statistically, it shouldn't have happened to any of us. Statistically, your odds are much better for a pregnancy succeeding than failing. It's so unfair when we come out on the wrong side of those odds.

You are in my thoughts for your appointment. I hope it is for better this time.

sushilover said...

Oh I know the feeling...I absolutely know when I get pregnant again I will be terrified to go to my first appt...and then my second and so on. It's so unfair that this has changed us forever. I am hoping for you and your hubby that everything goes smoothly and is uneventful or in other words going along smoothly! Hang tight...you are almost there!
I'll be thinking good thoughts for you!

niobe said...

Irrationally, I feel like I've managed to outsource large chunks of my of my worry and pain to people like you. Maybe I need to just stop commenting on other people's blogs.

By which I certainly don't mean that you wouldn't be worried anyway. Or that I'm not hoping with everything possible that this time they'll be no "at leasts."

Katie said...

I would like to think that you were just hopeful - and innocent. That's how I was before my first loss.

Like you, I had only really had bad ultrasounds before. It was so difficult to imagine (and still is) that things could be any different.

Each ultrasound day is HORRIBLE, until the scan shows things are well. Then I feel like I can breathe again. I always start crying the minute the tech comes in. Luckily, she isn't taking it personally.

I am praying for you and your little one.

Ms. Infertile said...

I'm keeping good thoughts here for you and your appointment tomorrow. I hope it goes perfectly.

SaraS-P said...

I am hoping for the best.

Meg said...

Good luck tomorrow! I recommend you ask her to just scan immediately and then you all can talk....maybe this would ease the tension, fears, etc...

You, along with many of us have been on the other side of a pregnancy - with the innocence, naiveness and butterfly feeling joy thinking 9 months ahead.....I like to think that what we have been through and have been exposed to what can happen in a pregnancy really has made us more aware, realistic and modest - very wonderful qualities you know.

You were not an idiot last time, you did not know any other way to react to being pregant and neither did many of us. Many of us now do know better and for that....we are much stronger women and it will make us much stronger mothers.

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