6w0d

Two more sleeps to go until the first appointment. The appointment is Tuesday morning at 10.

The last time I had this first appointment (though at 7w3d last time), we spent what seemed like forever talking about pregnancy -- symptoms, what to avoid (according to the midwife, everything), what to expect, my medical history, our families' reproductive histories, what bloodwork I would be having. Going into the appointment I had had a sinking feeling that something was wrong, but it was that instinctual kind of feeling, whereas intellectually everything seemed fine, so I did my best to set that gut feeling aside. We were unbelievably excited and hopeful. Looking back, I want to kick myself for being so naive, so ignorant of the statistical risks, so fucking idiotic I hate myself for thinking about how nice an April - October maternity leave would be, for worrying about P potentially having to share his birthday, for hoping we would know the sex of our baby by Thanksgiving.

The midwife offered me a quick scan using the portable ultrasound machine in the office. And that's when everything went shitty. She said she would still send me for bloodwork (along with a referral for a formal ultrasound to confirm what she saw, or didn't see (which it didn't, though the news still wasn't good)), but said she was canceling some of the tests, "since there didn't appear to be a viable pregnancy." And she then gave us the "at least..." talk, the one filled with platitudes, each of which begins with that hateful phrase.

P and I both still have really bad feelings about that appointment, for a lot of different reasons. This makes it much harder to get excited for the same thing this time. P thinks the midwife is going to say something hideously insensitive (his favorite suggestion was "So, back for round two?"). I'm just terrified it'll be exactly like last time -- we'll spend a lot of time talking about pregnancy, only to find out something is wrong with mine. The extreme high, the extreme low, the two weeks of limbo. I just want the appointment to be over, for better or for worse. Please God let it be for better.