The first post where I answer questions

I've gotten a couple of questions in comments and via email lately, so today I will begin the process of answering them, starting with questions asked re this post.

In the comments, Meg asked how long I lived in Connecticut. I lived in Connecticut until I turned 11 (Stamford until I was 2, New Canaan after that). At that point, we moved to Rhode Island, where I went to middle school and high school. When people ask where I grew up, I usually say Connecticut. When people ask where I'm from, I usually say Rhode Island. My childhood friends are people I knew in Fairfield County and nearby New York. My friends from home are my friends from Rhode Island. It's weird how one comes to think about such things.

By email, someone asked when I went to Moorea, Jerusalem, and Hawaii.

• Hawaii was P and my honeymoon in 2005. We spent a week in Maui (in a hotel) and a week in Kauai (in a house we rented on a private beach).
  
• Moorea was March 2000. A good friend from college was doing research loosely connected with his PhD there, and I went to visit him. I really enjoy traveling with/to see him -- they mark some of the best vacations I've had. Over the years, amonf other adventures, we have hiked a volcanic ridge, driven from San Diego to San Francisco in a convertible, gone off-roading in the Anza-Borrego Desert State Park more than once (and gotten the undercarriage of a truck stuck over a large rock), surfed in Mexico, and seen the sun set over the Pacific from at least three different countries. The airfare to Moorea from Boston was obscene, but well worth it (and was the primary expense associated with the trip).
• Jerusalem was the summer of 1999. I maxed out my then-very-low-limit credit card and bought myself a plane ticket to Istanbul, where I spent 10 days. I then took a 24-hour bus (with no bathroom) to Athens, where I spent another ten days (well, I also took the ferry to Santorini for several days). Finally, with much difficulty involving canceled flights whose existence El Al denied despite my possession of a physical ticket, I flew to Tel Aviv and took a bus to Jerusalem for ten more days, where I slept on a mattress on the roof of a hostel in the Old City and narrowly avoided being sold for 2 camels. The whole trip was one of those life-altering, world-view-changing types of trips. Well-worth the money spent.
  

7w1d

Two weeks until my next appointment.

I had dinner tonight with one of the friends whose showers I went shopping for the other day. She is one of my oldest friends -- we had 7th grade English together, almost 20 years ago now. I was scared it would be a bit painful to see her and face the very obvious reminder of where I should have been, but it wasn't bad at all. We talked a good deal about her pregnancy, and about my miscarriage. It actually felt good to be able to talk about it with someone in real life, especially someone who gets it. I have talked to a few friends, but most are unmarried and can't really imagine being in a position to want a child, so they have a tendency to spout off statistics and minimize the pain part. This friend didn't do that. It was a great reminder of why we have been friends for so long and how lucky I am to have her in my life. She's going to be a great mom.

100th post

Well, this is my 100th post here, and I'm sad to admit I just don't have a whole lot to say today.

I feel like I've come a long way since I started here in October, healing-wise, but I also feel like I still have a long way to go. I suspect I will never make it that remaining distance back to the person I was. What has struck me lately is how much of my own sense of self-worth was historically caught up in my work (and in school before that). I am not someone who is outwardly competitive; for me, the competition has always been with myself and with my sense of my abilities. Since September, I have let a lot of that go. (And lest anyone think that sounds healthy, it's not. The alternative has been putting that same value on my abilities to conceive and carry a child, which is something I suspect I have far less control over, making my self-worth very dependent on what feels like chance.)

I always thought that if I were able to do that -- let go of work as the thing to which I attached value -- it would likely be for better, but thus far it hasn't been. I spend a lot of my time consumed by anxiety, terrified that someone will notice how little I've accomplished lately and kick me to the curb. In a profession in which I am valued only partly for the quality of my work, in which more of my value is assigned to the quantity and to the dollars that work brings in, my anxiety isn't really unfounded. It's starting to get very real, and I'm starting to realize that the part of me that placed a lot of my sense of self-worth in my work is starting to come back to life. Because if I didn't, I'm not sure how much I'd really care.

I keep telling myself that I need to pull it together, to really buckle down, but I can't, or, more accurately, I won't. Part of it is that I need a lot more work to do. But I do have things to do, I just can't seem to motivate to do them. Each week I say that this week will be different. Today, I will say it again. This week will be different. I will go to work tomorrow and tr harder to focus. If nothing else, I need the income.

Reminder

The showers for those of my girlfriends due the week I was are coming up soon. I knew this time would come, and I was really dreading it. It is such a painful reminder of that which I thought would be but which will not. In August we each, in the privacy of our own lives, saw a positive pregnancy test and felt the excitement that comes along with it. We each innocently began to make plans, to fix a future date in our minds, to look ahead to April without any thought that anything could go wrong. And for the other three, it didn't. Part of me almost wishes my next appointment was after these showers rather than before them, as I fear that appointment will go badly, and the sorrow will overwhelm me, and I won't be able to be there at all. As the midwife pointed out at my last appointment, seeing a heartbeat at 6w2d didn't really change the risk profile at all.

We decided, after it became clear that we weren't going to get any Red Sox tickets this year (screw you, Virtual Waiting Room, and screw you scalpers who bought all the tickets and had them listed on eBay while we were still trying to get through), to head to that scary mecca down the road otherwise known as BRU to do some shower gift shopping. Like many others, I have such a love-hate relationship with that place. But we went. And I bought some registered-for gifts, small and soft and sweet. And P and I dared to look at some of the bedding sets. And he has a weird obsession with Pack N Plays, so we looked at some of those too. And we actually caved and bought ourselves two tiny pieces of clothing. I love them and the hope and promise that they represent. I just want to look at them all the time, as though they might somehow serve as amulets to ward of any ill that could befall us. As though they have the power to fill themselves with a warm, wiggling, crying, pooping body come September. As though they have some sort of power of their own, other than that which I ascribe to them.

Why our dog doesn't get a lot of stuffed toys

While the beagle and basset hound in him love his stuffed toys,



the Jack Russell Terrier in him would prefer to thrash his head around,



slamming the toy into the ground, making himself dizzy with the power of destruction.

Like Maria, I too thought it would be fun

From Maria at Will They Have His Eyes:

Post your own answers in your blog or email...

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? My dad got to choose my name. I share my name with my father's sister and his great-grandmother. That said, I think I'm secretly named after his high school girlfriend, also of the same name.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Got teary? Yesterday. Fully cried? It's actually been a couple of weeks.

3.DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? I have no problems with it.

4.WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Cracked pepper turkey. Yum.

5. DO YOU HAVE PET? My mutt, Buddy -- the best dog ever

6.IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Probably not -- I've been told I come off as a bit cold

7.DO YOU USE SARCASM? Often

8.DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes

9.WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Yes, or at least I like to think I would

10.WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Honey Bunches of Oats with Almonds, or Quaker Granola (Honey and Oat)

11.DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? No, and it drives P crazy

12.DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Physically, yes. Emotionally, not so much.

13.WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Brigham's chocolate

14.WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? The way their mouth moves when they talk (I lost 30% of my hearing almost 20 years ago, so I read lips to supplement)

15.RED OR PINK? Red

16.WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? My thighs. And my tendency to get caught up in minutiae.

17.WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My person my mom used to be

18.WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES? Green

19.WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Grey wool pants; black and grey plaid heels

20.WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Pizza

21.WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Nothing right now. Sirens outside, I suppose.

22.IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Grey

23.FAVORITE SMELLS? Cilantro; my dog when he first wakes up

24.WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? P, probably

25.DO YOU LIKE THUNDERSTORMS? Hated them as a kid; indifferent now

26.FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Football

27.HAIR COLOR? Dark blonde, getting darker by the day it seems

29.DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? No.

30.FAVORITE FOOD? Cheese. I love cheese.

31.SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy endings

32.LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Mr. Brooks, on DVD. I Am Legend, in the theatre.

33.WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Ivory

34.SUMMER OR WINTER? Winter

35.HUGS OR KISSES? Hugs

36.FAVORITE DESSERT? Molten chocolate cake

39.WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? From Beirut to Jerusalem (which I keep putting down and would really like to finish)

40.WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Some sort of promo for the HR system my work adopted last year

41.FAVORITE SOUNDS? The Dead; bells; flute; waves crashing

42.ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Beatles.

43.WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Moorea (near Tahiti), I think; next furthest: Jerusalem, then Hawaii

44.WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Stamford, CT

6w3d

I am so incredibly hungry all the time. I feel lousy if I don't eat every couple of hours, but not nauseated-lousy; it's more a faint-lousy. So very hungry. What is up with this? It's usually better later in the day/evening, by which time a mild nausea sets in, but from waking until midafternoon I feel like there isn't enough food in the world. Yesterday, I kept feeling like if I didn't have a cookie I was going to scream. I kept putting the cookie off. On my way out of the office, I remembered that the place in the lobby has 1/2 priced baked goods in the afternoon/evening. I had a cookie and a brownie (for $1.66!). And no dinner. This can't be good.

6w2d

Not only am I 6w2d, the wee one is measuring at 6w2d. With a heart rate of 130.

After welcoming us back, the first thing the midwife did was offer to do the scan first. And it went well. And she printed off pictures for us without making me ask (I'd share, but they look pretty awful using the scanner at my office -- I'll try again at home). I felt a nearly-instantaneous flood of relief.

Of course, that sense of relief was nearly immediately met by that small voice in the back of my head that kept reminding me that this scan is a week earlier than last time, and things might have looked fine that time at 6w2d. Last time, by 7w3d, the embryo was only measuring at 6w4d and had an irregular heartbeat, but it might have looked perfect at 6w2d. But I'm trying to ignore that little voice, since it isn't contributing anything positive (other than trying to keep me from getting my hopes up again, which is more protective than positive). For now, everything looks good.

And now the wait is on. Next appointment: February 11 (9w1d).

6w1d

We went out to dinner with my moms to celebrate my actual mom's birthday. We knew it was going to be a good one when my mom insisted on ordering a drink at the bar before being seated, even though the table was ready and the hostess was waiting. And she stuck me with the bar tab. And I'm not even sure she realized it.

One more sleep, and I'm off to begin it. I'm so anxiety-ridden, I have no idea how I will sleep at all.

6w0d

Two more sleeps to go until the first appointment. The appointment is Tuesday morning at 10.

The last time I had this first appointment (though at 7w3d last time), we spent what seemed like forever talking about pregnancy -- symptoms, what to avoid (according to the midwife, everything), what to expect, my medical history, our families' reproductive histories, what bloodwork I would be having. Going into the appointment I had had a sinking feeling that something was wrong, but it was that instinctual kind of feeling, whereas intellectually everything seemed fine, so I did my best to set that gut feeling aside. We were unbelievably excited and hopeful. Looking back, I want to kick myself for being so naive, so ignorant of the statistical risks, so fucking idiotic I hate myself for thinking about how nice an April - October maternity leave would be, for worrying about P potentially having to share his birthday, for hoping we would know the sex of our baby by Thanksgiving.

The midwife offered me a quick scan using the portable ultrasound machine in the office. And that's when everything went shitty. She said she would still send me for bloodwork (along with a referral for a formal ultrasound to confirm what she saw, or didn't see (which it didn't, though the news still wasn't good)), but said she was canceling some of the tests, "since there didn't appear to be a viable pregnancy." And she then gave us the "at least..." talk, the one filled with platitudes, each of which begins with that hateful phrase.

P and I both still have really bad feelings about that appointment, for a lot of different reasons. This makes it much harder to get excited for the same thing this time. P thinks the midwife is going to say something hideously insensitive (his favorite suggestion was "So, back for round two?"). I'm just terrified it'll be exactly like last time -- we'll spend a lot of time talking about pregnancy, only to find out something is wrong with mine. The extreme high, the extreme low, the two weeks of limbo. I just want the appointment to be over, for better or for worse. Please God let it be for better.

Fluff: Song Lyric Trivia

I took a couple of song lyrics quizzes -- 90s yesterday and 80s today. It was not pretty. I got a 17.5 on the 90s and a 57.5 on the 80s. I'm not sure I've ever done worse on 2 quizzes.

I didn't really start listening to the radio until 1984 or so, and I grew up without MTV (I first got cable in the fall of 2000). Given that I turned 13 in 1990, I felt okay about my score on the 1980s one, though there were a few I was a bit embarrassed to have missed. As for the 1990s, I had an allergic reaction to something in 1989 and lost about 30% of my hearing, and the part that was most affected was my ability to tell where one word ends and the next begins, so, in real life, I rely on lip reading to enhance what I hear with my ears. That's harder to do with music. Plus, I didn't listen to a whole lot of pop music from 1993 on. So I suppose the 17.5 wasn't really a big surprise.

5w5d

The weekend has not yet begun for me, but I've never been so excited for it to be over. Not because I want to come back to work (seriously, it's definitely not that) but because by the time I'm back in the office on Tuesday I will have had my first doctor's appointment. I just want to get it over with, for better or for worse. Four more sleeps.

As for symptoms, I started feeling them more yesterday, though that seems to have passed a bit today.

• Yesterday, my boobs weren't bigger (which would be seriously welcome -- I have tiny boobs, which has always been a source of insecurity for me) but they were sore and felt a lot heavier than usual. That's still sort of true today.
• Someone asked yesterday if I liked spicy food. Two hours later, I found myself standing at the local Thai place ordering Drunken Noodles with chicken. I'm going to call that a craving, even though it really is just further evidence of my lack of impulse control.
• I then felt ill for the rest of the day. And I'm going to attribute that to the p-word rather than to overeating greasy takeout.
• I was so thirsty all day that I drank more than a gallon of water. I normally drink a lot, but it's normally habit rather than a feeling of desperate thirst.
• And I was so tired that I went to bed at 9:30, which is obscenely early for me. I woke up at 3 because I felt ill and had to pee. I then slept until 7, which is really late for me.

Today? Not as tired, not as thirsty, but I still don't feel great. It's not nausea though; it's more a feeling of being full even when I haven't eaten recently. And it's accompanied by a feeling of faintness, which is not at all normal for me. And even though I'm not that tired, I want to go to bed, though that may just be the knowledge that it will then be only three sleeps to go.

5w4d

It occurred to me today that a major part of me had never really considered that this would progress any further than last time. In my mind, since August, this and any pregnancy I might have never actually got past 9w5d. I never imagined feeling movement. I never imagined myself being visibly pregnant. I never imagined actually giving birth. I might have been able to talk about those things as if I believed them, but they weren't part of my mental picture. It all seems so far away and wholly foreign.

Reassurances

Last night, I dreamt of my grandfather. Until I was ten, I lived about ten minutes from him and my grandmother, so I saw them often. We wrote letters to one another when I was in college, which, I later learned, my grandmother never knew. He passed away my senior year. He wasn't the warmest man ever, but he always had a special place in his heart for me, since I was his only granddaughter. I don't remember the specifics of the dream, but I remember him in it. I remember him saying something about reappearing in my life when the time was right. And I remember him telling me that everything was going to be okay. Despite a rather disturbing dream immediately following that one, I work up with an odd feeling of peace.

The odd feeling of peace may also have been brought on by the fact that my OB called yesterday evening. She said she didn't want to be Pollyanna-ish, but she felt good about this time. I expressed my concern that my betas were super-high. She said that while there is such a thing as too-high betas, she wouldn't put mine in that category. I was just glad she called, since she certainly didn't have to, and I didn't expect her to. As I have said before, I heart my OB.

The third possible cause of the peaceful feeling to which I awoke is that a friend came to visit work yesterday with her 2 year old and ten week old sons. I got to kiss the little one's soft, fuzzy baby head and give him his bottle, while he looked at me with the adoration due the person providing that which sustains him. It was truly awesome.

Of course, with the drop in anxiety levels comes a concomitant rise in feelings of vulnerability, which, in itself, seems to be bringing the anxiety levels back up a bit. I wish I could wake up and have it be next Tuesday, the date of my first appointment. Or perhaps I could wake up some time in March, hopefully during an uneventful second trimester. Or, better yet, perhaps I could wake up with a baby in my arms, bypassing this whole ball of stress entirely. I know I wouldn't really want to miss all of this, but there is some appeal.

Miscarriage news round-up: Jan 8 - 15

• No news round-up would be complete without an update on the story of the Wisconsin man who induced his mistress's miscarriage. Now that he has skipped bail, she is seeking some of the revoked bond. Additional coverage on this aspect here. In addition, one of his attorneys has withdrawn from the case.
• On a related note, a Michigan man has been charged with assault of a pregnant woman causing miscarriage/stillbirth, when he beat his girlfriend, resulting in stillbirth, after learning she had not had an abortion. She was 21 weeks pregnant.
• And an update on the story regarding the Massachusetts dairy whose pasteurized milk became contaminated with listeriosis, causing a pregnant woman to miscarry (and three other people to die): the source of the contamination has not yet been identified but the cooling and bottling systems are being examined. Additional coverage here and here.
• New research provides further support for previous research that has also shown that there is no increased risk of miscarriage associated with the consumption of moderate amounts of caffeine (less than 2 cups of coffee daily) in early pregnancy.
• In celebrity news, Scott Baio and his wife are new parents to a baby girl, but they were initially expecting twins and lost one early in the pregnancy.

5w1d = 17,901 mIU/ml

That seems freakishly high to me. And it would mean a doubling time of 48.9 hours, whereas I thought doubling times were supposed to drop by the time hCG gets this high. The doctor wasn't worried, though, according to the nurse with whom I spoke, so I'm going to try not to worry as well. She said their ranges for normal are quite different from what I've seen everywhere else -- the range she uses extends up to 18,000 for women between weeks 4 and 5 and to 22,000 for women between weeks 5 and 6. That said, if mine keeps doubling at this rate, it'll be well over 22,000 by the time I hit week 6 -- with that doubling time, it'd be over 22,000 by the end of today.

I realized today that part of the reason I am getting so worried is because I have a thoroughly irrational fear that if I don't worry then I will have jinxed myself and something bad will happen. It's as if letting myself relax would require letting my guard down, thereby making me vulnerable to all sorts of harm, not the least of which is the emotional harm that would come from getting burned after exposing that softer, more vulnerable side. So I am, for now, wrapping myself in a cocoon of anxiety. It feels safer in here.

5w0d

We are expecting 8-12+ inches of snow tomorrow. The mayor has asked people to stay off the streets. Most schools have already closed for the day, even in my small city, where they normally wait until the snow has started to shut down. Given that, what are the chances that the lab will close, making it impossible for me to get my bloodwork done? I'm guessing the chances are slim, but it is going to suck having to get there on the bus/train.

As for symptoms, my boobs are somewhat sore-ish, or at least more so than before. I am drinking a lot of water, but I always do, and I don't seem to be peeing any more than usual. I'm hungry, but I haven't been nauseated for a couple of days. And I'm not really tired.
That's about it.

Because apparently nothing satisfies me

Beta at 19dpo = 6457

Of course, now I'm scared it's a molar pregnancy, a possibility I had never considered. Just what I needed, something else to worry about.

Alternative explanations:

• I ovulated earlier than I thought -- definitely possible if my temp on Christmas morning was off. That would make it 21dpo, in which case that would still be high but less so.
• Multiples. My grandmother was a triplet, and I'm not sure if they run in Ps family. I am a genealogist, so I should probably just check my files.
• I am just one of those people with hCG levels at the high end of the range.

Please let it be one of those things.

Thoughts anyone? Dr. Google is less help than I would have hoped on this front.

4w5d

I had blood drawn this morning at 8:30. Results still weren't in when the office closed for the day. I'm supposed to call urgent care tomorrow. Poop.

As for symptoms, I'm not really feeling much. Occasional nausea but little else aside from extreme hunger. Boobs are slightly tender, and I'm somewhat tired and somewhat thirsty, but I'm always tired and thirsty, so I'm reluctant to call those symptoms. Oddly, though, the hunger has a familiar feel to it -- I remember feeling this last time, early on. Maybe I didn't have many other symptoms this early and just don't recall and am ascribing symptoms from 6 weeks to the early days. It's hard to remember. Why didn't I write more down??

We're having friends over tomorrow for the game. They're going to notice I'm not drinking (I have been known to enjoy a beer, or four). Anyone have any good excuses I can borrow?

4w4d

When I made my first appointment with the OB, the person in reception didn't suggest I come in to have my beta levels checked, even though the doctor had said that would be part of the plan when/if I found myself p-word again. Initially, I gave that no thought, as I had concluded a while back that I didn't want them done anyway, back at a time when I was sure that if something went wrong it would be exactly the same as last time, in which case bloodwork wouldn't have revealed anything. Now that I've had a couple of days to sit on it and ruminate, though, I'm wondering if I should have them done. As much as I had thought that a bad result would merely hasten my awareness of the inevitable, while a non-bad would provide no relief, I now think a non-bad result might provide some relief, even if just for a day. And I could use some temporary relief.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? And if the answer is that I should have them checked, how do I tell my drs office that I want it done without sounding demanding (or do I just suck it up and sound demanding)?

92 and 98, plus that abdominal pain

I went to the dentist yesterday. For the first time in probably my whole life the dentist didn't ask how often I flossed or suggest I do so more frequently. And the whole experience was less painful -- the part where they poke at your gums with that sharp pointy thing didn't make me bleed or cry (I did, however, cry a little when the hygenist got tooth polish in my eye -- WTF??). Yay for flossing daily.

When asked if there had any changes in my medical situation, I said I was pregnant (and I think it was the first time I used the p-word this time). The hygenist said congrats. I resisted the urge to tell him that I miscarried in the fall and therefore wasn't counting my chickens yet and would not be deserving of congratulations until September. Instead I said thanks. It felt like a huge step.

As for the pain, it was pretty persistent yesterday but hasn't been as bad today (and it's never more than what I'd call a 4 on a scale of 1 to 10). I'm pretty positive it isn't round ligament pain, as I experienced that last time and have experienced it some this time, and this is definitely more of an acute-but-low-level pain than a pulling, which is how I've experienced the round ligament pain. Katie's fabulous ultrasound yesterday has given me some hope that maybe it's a cyst rather than a sign that this pregnancy is ectopic (I didn't think I'd ever be hoping for a cyst). I think I'll try to wait until my appt on the 22nd to bring it up with my doc rather than calling today as originally planned, though I'm definitely persuadable if anyone thinks otherwise.

4w2d

I feel like I spend a lot of time hiding my negative feelings from everyone in my life, including those of you who visit me here, which allows these feelings to eat away at me in what is probably a very unhealthy way. So, in the interest of self-preservation:

I spend about 1/3 of my day convinced that it's chemical. I peed on another pee stick this morning, and it was darker than Friday's. I thought it might alleviate some of these concerns but it didn't. Maybe a little bit, but not much.

I spend the remaining 2/3 of my day convinced that it's ectopic. I have had a pain in my lower left abdominal area on and off since last week. It comes and goes and seems worse after I eat dairy (but is there sometimes even when I don't), which suggests it could just be gas, but I've never had gas pains stay in a single place for so long. It's more dull than sharp but more localized than diffuse. It's about 2-3 inches in from the top of the left side of my pelvic bone. Part of me is convinced it's psychosomatic. The other part of me is sure that if something were going to go wrong this time, it would be more psychically satisfying if it were something different than last time, and this would fit the bill.

You might notice that my worrying leaves little time for much of anything else in my day. Sadly, I remain an unproductive slug, living in constant fear that I'm going to get fired for sucking so much.

I don't know that I really feel any better for sharing and releasing some of these noxious negative feelings, but hopefully that will happen with time.

Miscarriage News Round-Up: Dec 29 - Jan 7

• A Massachusetts woman miscarried after becoming ill with listeria, which contaminated a local dairy's milk supply after it was pasteurized. This story scares the crap out of me -- I always thought pasteurized = safe.
• According to this article, research has shown that a history of spontaneous second trimester loss is correlated with a higher risk of subsequent spontaneous second trimester loss and spontaneous preterm birth. A history of spontaneous preterm birth is also correlated with subsequent spontaneous preterm birth. "The researchers suggest that the biologic mechanism for second-trimester losses may be similar to that of spontaneous preterm birth, possibly related to 'cervical ripening' as a primary event. If so, 'women with second-trimester loss would be candidates for therapy that reduces subsequent preterm birth,' they suggest."
• The Wisconsin man accused of causing his mistress's miscarriage(s) is now an apparent fugitive. Authorities are moving to revoke his bail. Although his passport was surrendered, anonymous tips place him in India.
  

Meaningful or meaningless?

A couple of notes:

1. This morning, I turned off my alarm clock in my sleep (I assume, since I have no recollection of it ever going off), then my thermometer battery died.
2. If nothing goes wrong, based on LMP and O date, I would be due on September 14, which will be one year to the day after my D&E.

As for symptoms, I found myself ready for a nap today at 2pm. So maybe I will get exhausted after all. And I am getting emotional. Last summer, the first time around, P and I decided to watch a movie one day. We drove around for an hour, looking for a video place that had either of the first 2 Bourne movies, as we wanted to watch both and then go see the new one. We couldn't find either. So we rented Bridge to Terabithia, which was a book I loved as a kid and still have in my house. And I cried. A lot. Today, I found myself tearing up during: the epiphany pageant at church; Extreme Makeover Home Edition (is that the name of the show? I don't normally watch it but Ps cousin was involved in this episode); and the possibility that TK and Rachel could be eliminated on the Amazing Race (love them). I will admit to being somewhat of a crier, but this was a bit ridiculous, even for me.

Differences

First of all, thank you so much for your congrats and your well-wishes. I can't begin to express how much they mean to me. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You all are the absolute best.

Second, I thought I would quickly note the ways in which this time feels different from last.

1. I am well less tired. I just went to a 9:45 movie. Last time, I wouldn't have been able to stay awake until the start (the night before I tested last time, I fell asleep at my desk at work at 9 and woke up with one hell of a tweaked neck). This time, I still felt awake at the end.
2. I have way more nausea. People talk about feeling constantly carsick, and now I get what they mean. I don't actually throw up, and it tends to pass quickly. Last time, I didn't get the nausea until it was in the process of ending (I hope that isn't a sign).
3. I am not as thirsty and I don't pee as much. Okay, generally speaking, I am constantly thirsty and therefore drink a lot and pee a lot, but I am no more thirsty than usual and am not peeing more than usual, which is different from last time.
4. My boobs aren't particularly sore and are their usual small size, neither of which was the case last time.
   

Of course, the reality is that I'm only at the 3w6d point (I mean, my period isn't even late yet -- in any prior era, and/or in the absence of excessive POASing, I would have no idea yet), so it's thoroughly unsurprising that I'm not feeling much yet. But that won't stop me from obsessing about it.

Here's hoping I have 250+ days of feeling progressively worse ahead of me.

CD27, 12dpo

I had a series of repeating dreams last night that my temperature dropped, signifying that I was most definitely not pregnant. Each time I would say to myself that it was just a dream, and then the dream would begin again, each time with different people being there when I discovered my temperature was 97.0.

I woke up in the guest room again this morning. My temperature was 98.2. I decided it was time to POAS. I then stared and stared and stared. Finally, I woke P up and made him look.



P thought he saw a line (it looks darker in the photo). I got out the digital.



I am afraid to be excited only to get devastated again. But I'm even more afraid of not enjoying every minute of it.

A guest in my own home

P is sick. He has a tendency toward being a whiny patient, which annoys me, though he hasn't been whining too much this time around. With the current cold, he has taken not only to coughing constantly but to moaning in his sleep. I know he can't control it (which sucks, as I am irritable and really want to yell at someone but only want to yell at someone who deserves it), but I need sleep. While I can sleep through almost anything, I actually have to get to sleep first, which is nearly impossible with someone moaning in your ear. I have therefore had to sleep alone in the guest room the past two nights.

Frustratingly, I know this is the reason I am tired. The night before I POASed when I was pregnant last summer, I was stuck at work super late (as I had been most nights for a couple of months) and fell asleep at my desk for 20 minutes -- I couldn't stay awake another minute. I woke up with a very stiff neck. This time around, I wish I could read more into being tired, but I know it's just the moaning and the sleeping alone.

CD25, 10dpo

My current mantra: I will resist the urge to POAS until Saturday Friday.

Is Friday acceptable?

Happy New Year

Like many people out there, I harbor some decidedly negative feelings toward 2007. I hate 2007 for being the year I miscarried my first child. I hate 2007 for showing me how much life can suck and how little control I have over my own fate. And I hate 2007 for being the year in which I forgot how to live a full and complete life in the face of depression and disappointment.

The reality, though, is that 2007 wasn't all bad. I attended 7 weddings of people I care about and got to share in their joyful celebration. I spent a lot of time with good friends and got to know some better. I even made new friends, both IRL and online. I got my first (and second) significant haircut in more than 20 years. I got to see the Pats win in last year's playoffs, plus I saw them beat the Chargers and the Steelers this season (and got to see them get to 16-0 on TV). And I got to see the Sox win the World Series for the second time in four years (on TV, of course). I got to work on some really challenging assignments at work and develop new skills. And I received excellent performance evaluations, evaluations I wasn't even sure I deserved. Finally, P and I got to where we finally felt emotionally and financially ready to start a family, even if that didn't all go as planned. And having that not go as planned reaffirmed for me that our relationship is strong enough to endure some real crap. And that's just a sampling of the good stuff.

So I'm definitely looking forward to 2008 but not because I think it will be entirely different from 2007. Rather, I look forward to getting back the good things from 2007. I also look forward to really bouncing back from September -- I'm not likely to get any good performance evaluations any time soon and haven't developed many new skills lately so I really need to refocus at work. And while I hope to get pregnant and stay pregnant this year, I have learned that life doesn't always go the way you plan, so I look forward to living a full and complete life regardless of what happens on that front.

Welcome 2008 -- I look forward to seeing what you have in store.