Friday, December 14, 2007

CD6 again

Today, I went back and looked at my posts from CD6, CD8, CD10 last month and realized how little has changed. Thirty more days have passed, but I still feel sad a lot, and I still feel defeated, and I still don't feel like the person I was before. I wish it was July again. Or I wish I was the person I was before September again. Or I just wish I wasn't the person I am now, feeling the way I am now. I had forgotten what it was like to be this sad. I had forgotten I could be this sad.

I have always been more of a thinker than a feeler, more comfortable analyzing than emoting or even just being.* Sadness and anger (and loneliness, I suppose, though that may be a subset of sadness) have always been the emotions I have felt (or at least remembered) most strongly. And I have always known this about myself. But I think back to August, and I know that I can feel joy. I hope joy comes back. Please come back.

* Please keep this in mind when reading my last two posts, ye who might be concerned that my desire for kids is somehow less than or detached, as I might be were I to read my posts without knowing a fuller version of me -- it's really not that at all. Also keep in mind that my relationship with my own mother is complicated and often disastrous, which makes the word motherhood itself very, very frightening to me.

3 comments:

sushilover said...

I like to think of each month passing as 1 month closer to joy...that's got to be the way it is, isn't it?

Katie said...

I wish that I had sushilover's attitude. I feel more as if I am stuck in a really bad version of Groundhog's Day sometimes.

Melissa said...

I'm sorry you're feeling so down, but I can truly empathize. Losing a baby and then being stuck in this TTC nightmare is really too much to take at times. Sometimes I feel like the end is nowhere in sight and that my daily efforts to get pregnant are all in vain.

Cheer yourself up and stay strong. :0)