Friday, December 7, 2007

Waiting to Bleed

I knew the digital HPT was a bad idea but, because I can't seem to help myself, I took it anyway, right before heading to my work holiday party.* Negative. As I knew would be the case but ignored, "Not Pregnant" was far more painful than the absence of a second line.

Even though my temperature is still up thie morning, I am sitting here now, waiting for the inevitable. And it feels like late August/early September again, where every twinge, every tickle, every feeling of moisture in my nether-regions seems a harbinger of what I know is to come. And, again, every trip to the bathroom is accompanied by a compulsory check of the toilet paper, looking for the smear of brown or red, this time not marking death but merely the passage of time, the natural cycling of my body. But I am experiencing it as gut-wrenching nonetheless, each moment feeling like a reverberation of a moment past, bringing me back, making it hard to remember that it is now December, the leaves have fallen, and there is snow on the ground.

I am back to the days of sitting in my office with the door closed, sobbing uncontrollably, only this time I am humiliated, since there is no real reason to be doing this other than the echo of that other time when things went so horribly wrong. That time I spent waiting to bleed.

*I have no idea why I went to the holiday party -- I knew that too was a bad idea, but I went anyway and only narrowly avoided being the girl who cried at the holiday party. The minute I walked through the door at home, I collapsed in Ps arms, bawling like a baby, unable to tell him why, since I was ashamed to admit I had bought and taken that digital test at work like a person with no impulse control whatsoever.

7 comments:

Jen said...

I always want to buy a digital HPT but I don't for exactly that reason. And because they are expensive.

And you do have every right to be upset. You lost a baby, it is not something that you get over quickly.

Thinking of you.

A said...

((((HUGS))))

You're definitely allowed to grive, still. Don't feel badly about that. I find myself wanting to cry at some point almost every day. Even without a negative HPT. I can only imagine how I will break down when I have a chance to test again.

Anonymous said...

Just stumbled upon your blog . . . and wanted to say how deeply moved I was by what you wrote. I've had 3 early m/c's myself, and am sorry to say i can identify with what you mean by sobbing uncontrollably in my office at work (latest m/c in May and still do it way too often). My husband and I had already moved on to adopting from China when we found out I was pregnant a third time, with a due date of Christmas Day 2007. Unfortunately, the baby died at 7 weeks gestation. We kept trudging along with the adoption as a way to occupy our grief (though we are excited about it). But this Xmas WILL suck, and I know how you feel about dreading the holidays, the pregnant women being everywhere (and complete strangers confessing it to you). I am so deeply sorry for your pain. Some days feel better than others, and some thoroughly are wretched. I have no magic for you, just sincere thoughts of compassion, and my own thanks for making ME feel not so crazy for my own crying jags.

TrophyWife said...

Just stumbled upon your blog . . . and wanted to say how deeply moved I was by what you wrote. I've had 3 early m/c's myself, and am sorry to say i can identify with what you mean by sobbing uncontrollably in my office at work (latest m/c in May and still do it way too often). My husband and I had already moved on to adopting from China when we found out I was pregnant a third time, with a due date of Christmas Day 2007. Unfortunately, the baby died at 7 weeks gestation. We kept trudging along with the adoption as a way to occupy our grief (though we are excited about it). But this Xmas WILL suck, and I know how you feel about dreading the holidays, the pregnant women being everywhere (and complete strangers confessing it to you). I am so deeply sorry for your pain. Some days feel better than others, and some thoroughly are wretched. I have no magic for you, just sincere thoughts of compassion, and my own thanks for making ME feel not so crazy for my own crying jags.

Sara said...

Ugh, I'm sorry. This is so hard.

MissedConceptions said...

I read in one of my many books on miscarriage that every negative pregnancy test after a miscarriage feels like another loss. I thought that was crazy when I read it, but then I realized it was quite true as I lived through it.

This sounds lame, but by the time your period starts, your body is already preparing to ovulate again. Somehow that fact made me feel a little better.

MissedConceptions

Meg said...

I completely agree with MC. I am so sorry and I wish there was some way to make all of this feel a little better. You are an incredibly strong person