Why I'm Here

P and I decided we would start trying to make a person this summer. I could list 1000 reasons, some good, some bad, but the most honest is really that we didn't want any of our friends or family to get in the game ahead of us. We had/have quite a lot of weddings to attend this year (more than half of which have already taken place, thankfully), in addition to the ton we've had over the past few years, and figured some of these folks were going to jump on the baby-making train at some point in the near future. We wanted to be on board first.

So we started in mid-July with the sex on demand. In early August, I peed on a stick and it said Pregnant in excited letters in less than a minute. We were thrilled and terrified. We kept the news to ourselves, not wanting to steal anyone's thunder (a real issue in my somewhat crazy family) with three weddings still to go.

We went in for the first ob appointment at 7.5 weeks and were told that there was something wrong with the baby's heart, that we should hope for the best but prepare for the worst. I was told to expect to miscarry in the next week or so. We were devastated. Nothing happened. Two weeks later, we found out the baby's heart had stopped beating, and I thought mine was going to stop with it. I had hoped no bleeding or cramping was good news. Turns out, they call this a missed miscarriage. I had to have a D&E (the vacuum suction version of a D&C).

It's now been three weeks since the D&E. Some days are a lot worse than others. Some days are better. Very few of our friends have kids, but we have found out in the last three weeks that two good friends are due the exact week I should have been. I cried (and cry) a lot. It sucks.

So that's the story of my brief initial foray on the conception trail.

As for why the blog, growing up I was one of those kids who wrote all the time. I kept journals and diaries; I wrote serial novellas (which were truly awful); I went to a weekly poetry series and was a featured reader. I then went to college and traded poems and short stories for research papers. I wrote a few short pieces, and occasionally I started something more ambitious, but I stopped finishing anything. But even those fits and starts, those quick outbursts of poetry or prose, gave me a sense of release and of relief. I'm hoping to find that again now. Because I can't spend the rest of my life angry and resentful and sad and bitter (or maybe I can but I'd prefer not to have to). And I definitely can't keep crying with the door closed and accomplishing nothing at work.

We have to wait 6+ weeks to try again, and I am both impatient and terrified about getting back on the conception trail. Because few know what my last couple of months have really been about, I've taken to perusing miscarriage-related blogs and message boards in search of anonymous comfort and connection. I have regularly come across the motto "Faith Over Fear." I'm not sure I'm there yet, but I'm working on it. Until then, I am fearful, but full of love, and hoping to be ready to get back on the road again soon.