Survived a Family-Heavy Weekend

P and I were holding off on telling people I was pregnant (back in the day when I was) until after Columbus Day weekend because of multiple family events and a fear of taking the focus off those in whose honor the events were being held.

After the miscarriage, we still didn't tell anyone. In the intervening weeks, I developed a serious fear that someone would manage to say something at the birthday party or one of the two weddings about babies generally and/or when P and I were going to start a family and that my reaction would be horribly inappropriate. I tried to prepare myself by imagining the worst that I could and trying to steel myself against the swell of emotions. This plan backfired a bit, as I cried every time I went through the imagining part and couldn't imagine not crying, which didn't exactly help.

The weekend has now come and gone. Of course, no one said anything. The fear was really irrational, since there was no reason for these things to come up now, and they don't come up generally, but the fear was real and overwhelming.

The reality is that the time when I was pregnant feels like an awfully long time ago now. I was standing around waiting for the bus this morning and thinking about that. It was a month ago today that I had that horrendous ultrasound when we learned the baby's heart had stopped beating. A month. I was supposed to be 13.5 weeks pregnant and finally getting ready to tell people. Instead, my boobs are back to their usual (small) size, and that fact no longer gives me pause when I glance down. Instead, I can go more than an hour without going to the bathroom and not feel strangely bitter about it. Instead, I drank almost exclusively (and excessively) coffee, alcohol, and diet coke this weekend without feeling the strange and irrational pang of guilt that haunted me for the past month.

I'm happy to not feel sad all the time but am scared that I am moving on and that there is something wrong with that. I think I may be able to begin letting go but am not sure I want to.