My List

When we first found out there was something wrong with the baby's heart, I spent a lot of time thinking through all the things I could have done differently, things I did that might have caused the baby to die. I hear this is common. This is my list:

1. I consumed aspartame, and lots of it
2. I ate a piece of brie once without thinking about it
3. On my anniversary, I ate tiramisu, which someone told me has raw egg in it
4. I painted part of our bedroom, since when I told P it might not be safe for me to finish it he asked if I was passive-aggressively trying to force him to do something I said I'd do
5. I had a few sips of beer (really small sips)
6. I drank Diet Coke with caffeine, which accounts for some of the aspartame too
7. We forgot to change the water filter on our fridge, and who knows what's in our water
8. I climbed the Bunker Hill Monument even though it was hot out and it made me feel icky
9. I ate a lot of feta (made with pasteurized milk, but who knows?)
10. I may not have washed my fruits and veggies thoroughly enough
11. I may not have consumed enough dairy
12. I pulled some weeds without considering that other people's cats might poop in my garden (or so said the midwife)
13. I used a facewash with salicylic acid, initially not knowing salicylic acid was a problem, then not realizing it was in my facewash

13 things I know I won't do again next time. I'm sure I can (and probably will) come up with more. After things went bad, the doctor said none of these things made a difference, but before we found out there was something wrong, back when the medical community wanted to instill fear in me instead of provide comfort, the midwife said I should stop. I cried (quite literally) when the midwife told me I had to kick my diet coke habit, but at this point I'd stop drinking water if I thought it would make a difference. I'd do just about anything when/if given another chance.