Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Kicked in the Gut Again

A woman I know because we have the same commute on public transit (and because we have the same basic job) told me today that she is pregnant. Like seemingly everyone else alive, she is due the week I was supposed to be. She and her husband weren't trying (she described it as a serious surprise), but they managed to get pregnant, and their baby, unlike ours, didn't die. I like her, but I really resent the crap out of them. And, of course, she is excited about it (who wouldn't be?), and so went on and on and on about pregnancy, and the first trimester versus the second, and maternity leave, and going part time at work, and every other thing that she was happy about. I sat there trying to feign happiness but it was hard. I suspect she could see through my smile and my repeated "congrats, you must be thrilled," especially since I could barely make eye contact.

So, I now know four pregnant women (other than the gazillion pregnant women who work at my firm, most of whom I don't know at all or who are acquaintances at best, but who I nevertheless really want to kick when I see doing the things on my list), and three are due the week I was. Sometimes it's hard not to believe that you did something horribly wrong, something to seriously disturb the alignment of the universe, something for which you are now being punished. I have a lot more to say on this subject (at least three posts worth), but for now I'm just feeling kicked in the gut, again.


Katie said...

I'm sorry for that kicked in the gut feeling you have. I have been there. It doesn't really get much easier. I don't think we are being punished, but is sure feels like it sometimes, doesn't it? I just know that when WE finally get there, we are going to value it like no one else. That will be our reward.

Manda said...

Damn those gut kicks. My sister-in-law and my best friend BOTH got pregnant within weeks of my d&c. Although I love them both, I kind of hated them for a while. Boo.