6w0d

Two more sleeps to go until the first appointment. The appointment is Tuesday morning at 10.

The last time I had this first appointment (though at 7w3d last time), we spent what seemed like forever talking about pregnancy -- symptoms, what to avoid (according to the midwife, everything), what to expect, my medical history, our families' reproductive histories, what bloodwork I would be having. Going into the appointment I had had a sinking feeling that something was wrong, but it was that instinctual kind of feeling, whereas intellectually everything seemed fine, so I did my best to set that gut feeling aside. We were unbelievably excited and hopeful. Looking back, I want to kick myself for being so naive, so ignorant of the statistical risks, so fucking idiotic I hate myself for thinking about how nice an April - October maternity leave would be, for worrying about P potentially having to share his birthday, for hoping we would know the sex of our baby by Thanksgiving.

The midwife offered me a quick scan using the portable ultrasound machine in the office. And that's when everything went shitty. She said she would still send me for bloodwork (along with a referral for a formal ultrasound to confirm what she saw, or didn't see (which it didn't, though the news still wasn't good)), but said she was canceling some of the tests, "since there didn't appear to be a viable pregnancy." And she then gave us the "at least..." talk, the one filled with platitudes, each of which begins with that hateful phrase.

P and I both still have really bad feelings about that appointment, for a lot of different reasons. This makes it much harder to get excited for the same thing this time. P thinks the midwife is going to say something hideously insensitive (his favorite suggestion was "So, back for round two?"). I'm just terrified it'll be exactly like last time -- we'll spend a lot of time talking about pregnancy, only to find out something is wrong with mine. The extreme high, the extreme low, the two weeks of limbo. I just want the appointment to be over, for better or for worse. Please God let it be for better.

Fluff: Song Lyric Trivia

I took a couple of song lyrics quizzes -- 90s yesterday and 80s today. It was not pretty. I got a 17.5 on the 90s and a 57.5 on the 80s. I'm not sure I've ever done worse on 2 quizzes.

I didn't really start listening to the radio until 1984 or so, and I grew up without MTV (I first got cable in the fall of 2000). Given that I turned 13 in 1990, I felt okay about my score on the 1980s one, though there were a few I was a bit embarrassed to have missed. As for the 1990s, I had an allergic reaction to something in 1989 and lost about 30% of my hearing, and the part that was most affected was my ability to tell where one word ends and the next begins, so, in real life, I rely on lip reading to enhance what I hear with my ears. That's harder to do with music. Plus, I didn't listen to a whole lot of pop music from 1993 on. So I suppose the 17.5 wasn't really a big surprise.

5w5d

The weekend has not yet begun for me, but I've never been so excited for it to be over. Not because I want to come back to work (seriously, it's definitely not that) but because by the time I'm back in the office on Tuesday I will have had my first doctor's appointment. I just want to get it over with, for better or for worse. Four more sleeps.

As for symptoms, I started feeling them more yesterday, though that seems to have passed a bit today.

• Yesterday, my boobs weren't bigger (which would be seriously welcome -- I have tiny boobs, which has always been a source of insecurity for me) but they were sore and felt a lot heavier than usual. That's still sort of true today.
• Someone asked yesterday if I liked spicy food. Two hours later, I found myself standing at the local Thai place ordering Drunken Noodles with chicken. I'm going to call that a craving, even though it really is just further evidence of my lack of impulse control.
• I then felt ill for the rest of the day. And I'm going to attribute that to the p-word rather than to overeating greasy takeout.
• I was so thirsty all day that I drank more than a gallon of water. I normally drink a lot, but it's normally habit rather than a feeling of desperate thirst.
• And I was so tired that I went to bed at 9:30, which is obscenely early for me. I woke up at 3 because I felt ill and had to pee. I then slept until 7, which is really late for me.

Today? Not as tired, not as thirsty, but I still don't feel great. It's not nausea though; it's more a feeling of being full even when I haven't eaten recently. And it's accompanied by a feeling of faintness, which is not at all normal for me. And even though I'm not that tired, I want to go to bed, though that may just be the knowledge that it will then be only three sleeps to go.

5w4d

It occurred to me today that a major part of me had never really considered that this would progress any further than last time. In my mind, since August, this and any pregnancy I might have never actually got past 9w5d. I never imagined feeling movement. I never imagined myself being visibly pregnant. I never imagined actually giving birth. I might have been able to talk about those things as if I believed them, but they weren't part of my mental picture. It all seems so far away and wholly foreign.

Reassurances

Last night, I dreamt of my grandfather. Until I was ten, I lived about ten minutes from him and my grandmother, so I saw them often. We wrote letters to one another when I was in college, which, I later learned, my grandmother never knew. He passed away my senior year. He wasn't the warmest man ever, but he always had a special place in his heart for me, since I was his only granddaughter. I don't remember the specifics of the dream, but I remember him in it. I remember him saying something about reappearing in my life when the time was right. And I remember him telling me that everything was going to be okay. Despite a rather disturbing dream immediately following that one, I work up with an odd feeling of peace.

The odd feeling of peace may also have been brought on by the fact that my OB called yesterday evening. She said she didn't want to be Pollyanna-ish, but she felt good about this time. I expressed my concern that my betas were super-high. She said that while there is such a thing as too-high betas, she wouldn't put mine in that category. I was just glad she called, since she certainly didn't have to, and I didn't expect her to. As I have said before, I heart my OB.

The third possible cause of the peaceful feeling to which I awoke is that a friend came to visit work yesterday with her 2 year old and ten week old sons. I got to kiss the little one's soft, fuzzy baby head and give him his bottle, while he looked at me with the adoration due the person providing that which sustains him. It was truly awesome.

Of course, with the drop in anxiety levels comes a concomitant rise in feelings of vulnerability, which, in itself, seems to be bringing the anxiety levels back up a bit. I wish I could wake up and have it be next Tuesday, the date of my first appointment. Or perhaps I could wake up some time in March, hopefully during an uneventful second trimester. Or, better yet, perhaps I could wake up with a baby in my arms, bypassing this whole ball of stress entirely. I know I wouldn't really want to miss all of this, but there is some appeal.

Miscarriage news round-up: Jan 8 - 15

• No news round-up would be complete without an update on the story of the Wisconsin man who induced his mistress's miscarriage. Now that he has skipped bail, she is seeking some of the revoked bond. Additional coverage on this aspect here. In addition, one of his attorneys has withdrawn from the case.
• On a related note, a Michigan man has been charged with assault of a pregnant woman causing miscarriage/stillbirth, when he beat his girlfriend, resulting in stillbirth, after learning she had not had an abortion. She was 21 weeks pregnant.
• And an update on the story regarding the Massachusetts dairy whose pasteurized milk became contaminated with listeriosis, causing a pregnant woman to miscarry (and three other people to die): the source of the contamination has not yet been identified but the cooling and bottling systems are being examined. Additional coverage here and here.
• New research provides further support for previous research that has also shown that there is no increased risk of miscarriage associated with the consumption of moderate amounts of caffeine (less than 2 cups of coffee daily) in early pregnancy.
• In celebrity news, Scott Baio and his wife are new parents to a baby girl, but they were initially expecting twins and lost one early in the pregnancy.

5w1d = 17,901 mIU/ml

That seems freakishly high to me. And it would mean a doubling time of 48.9 hours, whereas I thought doubling times were supposed to drop by the time hCG gets this high. The doctor wasn't worried, though, according to the nurse with whom I spoke, so I'm going to try not to worry as well. She said their ranges for normal are quite different from what I've seen everywhere else -- the range she uses extends up to 18,000 for women between weeks 4 and 5 and to 22,000 for women between weeks 5 and 6. That said, if mine keeps doubling at this rate, it'll be well over 22,000 by the time I hit week 6 -- with that doubling time, it'd be over 22,000 by the end of today.

I realized today that part of the reason I am getting so worried is because I have a thoroughly irrational fear that if I don't worry then I will have jinxed myself and something bad will happen. It's as if letting myself relax would require letting my guard down, thereby making me vulnerable to all sorts of harm, not the least of which is the emotional harm that would come from getting burned after exposing that softer, more vulnerable side. So I am, for now, wrapping myself in a cocoon of anxiety. It feels safer in here.

5w0d

We are expecting 8-12+ inches of snow tomorrow. The mayor has asked people to stay off the streets. Most schools have already closed for the day, even in my small city, where they normally wait until the snow has started to shut down. Given that, what are the chances that the lab will close, making it impossible for me to get my bloodwork done? I'm guessing the chances are slim, but it is going to suck having to get there on the bus/train.

As for symptoms, my boobs are somewhat sore-ish, or at least more so than before. I am drinking a lot of water, but I always do, and I don't seem to be peeing any more than usual. I'm hungry, but I haven't been nauseated for a couple of days. And I'm not really tired.
That's about it.

Because apparently nothing satisfies me

Beta at 19dpo = 6457

Of course, now I'm scared it's a molar pregnancy, a possibility I had never considered. Just what I needed, something else to worry about.

Alternative explanations:

• I ovulated earlier than I thought -- definitely possible if my temp on Christmas morning was off. That would make it 21dpo, in which case that would still be high but less so.
• Multiples. My grandmother was a triplet, and I'm not sure if they run in Ps family. I am a genealogist, so I should probably just check my files.
• I am just one of those people with hCG levels at the high end of the range.

Please let it be one of those things.

Thoughts anyone? Dr. Google is less help than I would have hoped on this front.

4w5d

I had blood drawn this morning at 8:30. Results still weren't in when the office closed for the day. I'm supposed to call urgent care tomorrow. Poop.

As for symptoms, I'm not really feeling much. Occasional nausea but little else aside from extreme hunger. Boobs are slightly tender, and I'm somewhat tired and somewhat thirsty, but I'm always tired and thirsty, so I'm reluctant to call those symptoms. Oddly, though, the hunger has a familiar feel to it -- I remember feeling this last time, early on. Maybe I didn't have many other symptoms this early and just don't recall and am ascribing symptoms from 6 weeks to the early days. It's hard to remember. Why didn't I write more down??

We're having friends over tomorrow for the game. They're going to notice I'm not drinking (I have been known to enjoy a beer, or four). Anyone have any good excuses I can borrow?