4w4d

When I made my first appointment with the OB, the person in reception didn't suggest I come in to have my beta levels checked, even though the doctor had said that would be part of the plan when/if I found myself p-word again. Initially, I gave that no thought, as I had concluded a while back that I didn't want them done anyway, back at a time when I was sure that if something went wrong it would be exactly the same as last time, in which case bloodwork wouldn't have revealed anything. Now that I've had a couple of days to sit on it and ruminate, though, I'm wondering if I should have them done. As much as I had thought that a bad result would merely hasten my awareness of the inevitable, while a non-bad would provide no relief, I now think a non-bad result might provide some relief, even if just for a day. And I could use some temporary relief.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? And if the answer is that I should have them checked, how do I tell my drs office that I want it done without sounding demanding (or do I just suck it up and sound demanding)?

92 and 98, plus that abdominal pain

I went to the dentist yesterday. For the first time in probably my whole life the dentist didn't ask how often I flossed or suggest I do so more frequently. And the whole experience was less painful -- the part where they poke at your gums with that sharp pointy thing didn't make me bleed or cry (I did, however, cry a little when the hygenist got tooth polish in my eye -- WTF??). Yay for flossing daily.

When asked if there had any changes in my medical situation, I said I was pregnant (and I think it was the first time I used the p-word this time). The hygenist said congrats. I resisted the urge to tell him that I miscarried in the fall and therefore wasn't counting my chickens yet and would not be deserving of congratulations until September. Instead I said thanks. It felt like a huge step.

As for the pain, it was pretty persistent yesterday but hasn't been as bad today (and it's never more than what I'd call a 4 on a scale of 1 to 10). I'm pretty positive it isn't round ligament pain, as I experienced that last time and have experienced it some this time, and this is definitely more of an acute-but-low-level pain than a pulling, which is how I've experienced the round ligament pain. Katie's fabulous ultrasound yesterday has given me some hope that maybe it's a cyst rather than a sign that this pregnancy is ectopic (I didn't think I'd ever be hoping for a cyst). I think I'll try to wait until my appt on the 22nd to bring it up with my doc rather than calling today as originally planned, though I'm definitely persuadable if anyone thinks otherwise.

4w2d

I feel like I spend a lot of time hiding my negative feelings from everyone in my life, including those of you who visit me here, which allows these feelings to eat away at me in what is probably a very unhealthy way. So, in the interest of self-preservation:

I spend about 1/3 of my day convinced that it's chemical. I peed on another pee stick this morning, and it was darker than Friday's. I thought it might alleviate some of these concerns but it didn't. Maybe a little bit, but not much.

I spend the remaining 2/3 of my day convinced that it's ectopic. I have had a pain in my lower left abdominal area on and off since last week. It comes and goes and seems worse after I eat dairy (but is there sometimes even when I don't), which suggests it could just be gas, but I've never had gas pains stay in a single place for so long. It's more dull than sharp but more localized than diffuse. It's about 2-3 inches in from the top of the left side of my pelvic bone. Part of me is convinced it's psychosomatic. The other part of me is sure that if something were going to go wrong this time, it would be more psychically satisfying if it were something different than last time, and this would fit the bill.

You might notice that my worrying leaves little time for much of anything else in my day. Sadly, I remain an unproductive slug, living in constant fear that I'm going to get fired for sucking so much.

I don't know that I really feel any better for sharing and releasing some of these noxious negative feelings, but hopefully that will happen with time.

Miscarriage News Round-Up: Dec 29 - Jan 7

• A Massachusetts woman miscarried after becoming ill with listeria, which contaminated a local dairy's milk supply after it was pasteurized. This story scares the crap out of me -- I always thought pasteurized = safe.
• According to this article, research has shown that a history of spontaneous second trimester loss is correlated with a higher risk of subsequent spontaneous second trimester loss and spontaneous preterm birth. A history of spontaneous preterm birth is also correlated with subsequent spontaneous preterm birth. "The researchers suggest that the biologic mechanism for second-trimester losses may be similar to that of spontaneous preterm birth, possibly related to 'cervical ripening' as a primary event. If so, 'women with second-trimester loss would be candidates for therapy that reduces subsequent preterm birth,' they suggest."
• The Wisconsin man accused of causing his mistress's miscarriage(s) is now an apparent fugitive. Authorities are moving to revoke his bail. Although his passport was surrendered, anonymous tips place him in India.
  

Meaningful or meaningless?

A couple of notes:

1. This morning, I turned off my alarm clock in my sleep (I assume, since I have no recollection of it ever going off), then my thermometer battery died.
2. If nothing goes wrong, based on LMP and O date, I would be due on September 14, which will be one year to the day after my D&E.

As for symptoms, I found myself ready for a nap today at 2pm. So maybe I will get exhausted after all. And I am getting emotional. Last summer, the first time around, P and I decided to watch a movie one day. We drove around for an hour, looking for a video place that had either of the first 2 Bourne movies, as we wanted to watch both and then go see the new one. We couldn't find either. So we rented Bridge to Terabithia, which was a book I loved as a kid and still have in my house. And I cried. A lot. Today, I found myself tearing up during: the epiphany pageant at church; Extreme Makeover Home Edition (is that the name of the show? I don't normally watch it but Ps cousin was involved in this episode); and the possibility that TK and Rachel could be eliminated on the Amazing Race (love them). I will admit to being somewhat of a crier, but this was a bit ridiculous, even for me.

Differences

First of all, thank you so much for your congrats and your well-wishes. I can't begin to express how much they mean to me. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You all are the absolute best.

Second, I thought I would quickly note the ways in which this time feels different from last.

1. I am well less tired. I just went to a 9:45 movie. Last time, I wouldn't have been able to stay awake until the start (the night before I tested last time, I fell asleep at my desk at work at 9 and woke up with one hell of a tweaked neck). This time, I still felt awake at the end.
2. I have way more nausea. People talk about feeling constantly carsick, and now I get what they mean. I don't actually throw up, and it tends to pass quickly. Last time, I didn't get the nausea until it was in the process of ending (I hope that isn't a sign).
3. I am not as thirsty and I don't pee as much. Okay, generally speaking, I am constantly thirsty and therefore drink a lot and pee a lot, but I am no more thirsty than usual and am not peeing more than usual, which is different from last time.
4. My boobs aren't particularly sore and are their usual small size, neither of which was the case last time.
   

Of course, the reality is that I'm only at the 3w6d point (I mean, my period isn't even late yet -- in any prior era, and/or in the absence of excessive POASing, I would have no idea yet), so it's thoroughly unsurprising that I'm not feeling much yet. But that won't stop me from obsessing about it.

Here's hoping I have 250+ days of feeling progressively worse ahead of me.

CD27, 12dpo

I had a series of repeating dreams last night that my temperature dropped, signifying that I was most definitely not pregnant. Each time I would say to myself that it was just a dream, and then the dream would begin again, each time with different people being there when I discovered my temperature was 97.0.

I woke up in the guest room again this morning. My temperature was 98.2. I decided it was time to POAS. I then stared and stared and stared. Finally, I woke P up and made him look.



P thought he saw a line (it looks darker in the photo). I got out the digital.



I am afraid to be excited only to get devastated again. But I'm even more afraid of not enjoying every minute of it.

A guest in my own home

P is sick. He has a tendency toward being a whiny patient, which annoys me, though he hasn't been whining too much this time around. With the current cold, he has taken not only to coughing constantly but to moaning in his sleep. I know he can't control it (which sucks, as I am irritable and really want to yell at someone but only want to yell at someone who deserves it), but I need sleep. While I can sleep through almost anything, I actually have to get to sleep first, which is nearly impossible with someone moaning in your ear. I have therefore had to sleep alone in the guest room the past two nights.

Frustratingly, I know this is the reason I am tired. The night before I POASed when I was pregnant last summer, I was stuck at work super late (as I had been most nights for a couple of months) and fell asleep at my desk for 20 minutes -- I couldn't stay awake another minute. I woke up with a very stiff neck. This time around, I wish I could read more into being tired, but I know it's just the moaning and the sleeping alone.

CD25, 10dpo

My current mantra: I will resist the urge to POAS until Saturday Friday.

Is Friday acceptable?

Happy New Year

Like many people out there, I harbor some decidedly negative feelings toward 2007. I hate 2007 for being the year I miscarried my first child. I hate 2007 for showing me how much life can suck and how little control I have over my own fate. And I hate 2007 for being the year in which I forgot how to live a full and complete life in the face of depression and disappointment.

The reality, though, is that 2007 wasn't all bad. I attended 7 weddings of people I care about and got to share in their joyful celebration. I spent a lot of time with good friends and got to know some better. I even made new friends, both IRL and online. I got my first (and second) significant haircut in more than 20 years. I got to see the Pats win in last year's playoffs, plus I saw them beat the Chargers and the Steelers this season (and got to see them get to 16-0 on TV). And I got to see the Sox win the World Series for the second time in four years (on TV, of course). I got to work on some really challenging assignments at work and develop new skills. And I received excellent performance evaluations, evaluations I wasn't even sure I deserved. Finally, P and I got to where we finally felt emotionally and financially ready to start a family, even if that didn't all go as planned. And having that not go as planned reaffirmed for me that our relationship is strong enough to endure some real crap. And that's just a sampling of the good stuff.

So I'm definitely looking forward to 2008 but not because I think it will be entirely different from 2007. Rather, I look forward to getting back the good things from 2007. I also look forward to really bouncing back from September -- I'm not likely to get any good performance evaluations any time soon and haven't developed many new skills lately so I really need to refocus at work. And while I hope to get pregnant and stay pregnant this year, I have learned that life doesn't always go the way you plan, so I look forward to living a full and complete life regardless of what happens on that front.

Welcome 2008 -- I look forward to seeing what you have in store.