Tuesday, February 5, 2008


Last time around, at what we later concluded was the point at which something went wrong, I started having dreams that I was caring for other people's children. I had such a dream last week. And I had another one last night. These dreams have left me with a dark sense of foreboding.

That sense of foreboding has been seeping in more pervasively over the past week, and not just because of the dreams. I have always fought the twin demons of depression and anxiety, and I have generally been victorious. But they seem to have been steeling themselves for battle of late. Days are filled with depression, which is in part why I am having such a hard time at work. Nights are especially bad for anxiety. I just want my next appointment to come so at least I can have a chance to breathe a little, feel a little bit of confidence, know that we at least made it further than last time without any sh*t landing upon the proverbial fan. And if the appointment doesn't let me breathe easier, feel any confidence, or bring any positive knowledge, at least the depression and anxiety won't seem so inexplicable and pointless anymore.

Six days until that appointment. If it goes well, we're telling our parents. If it doesn't, I have no idea what I'll do.


Katie said...

K, is there any way that you could move that appointment up a bit? I hate to see you worry for no reason.

I used to rely pretty heavily on my "sense" of things. Until it up and failed me in my pregnancy with Gummy Bear. That poor baby had been dead for over a week and I hadn't sensed a thing. I think pregnancy hormones can really take over body and mind and make us crazy.

Maybe another early peek will help to settle your mind.

Thinking of you.

Jen said...

There is no reason that anything should go wrong this time. (I have to tell myself that all the time and I am not even pregnant again yet.) You have significantly better odds of a good outcome than another bad outcome.

But I understand your fear. I am terrified myself. Just know that we are here for you, in both happiness and fear.

SaraS-P said...

I hope the dreams are just dreams. Nothing to worry about.

Hoping for the best.

Ms. Infertile said...

K, I'm sorry your feeling so worried but it is completely understandable, and I am right there with you. Try to remember that the dreams you're having now are probably just due to your worry, and nothing more. Chances are good that things will be OK. Only a few days left until your next appointment - which I hope brings a tiny bit of piece of mind for you.


sushilover said...

I'm crossing everything for you that everything goes well. Can you at least sleep (minus the influence of those darn dreams). I find that if I sleep a lot the days fly by. Seriously though Jen is right. There's more of a chance that you'll make it this time than not. Think positively...or if you can't do that do something that will take your mind off of it.

Future Mommy said...

Oh, sweetie...no anxiety. Please, no anxiety. Deep breaths and lots of faith that all is well - and please keep us posted on how your appointment goes!

niobe said...

Six days seems like such a long time when you're depressed and anxious. Is there any way you can change the date so you don't have to wait? (I see katie already suggested this)