11w1d

(Sorry for the succession of posts -- our modem appears to be dying, so I wrote a couple of posts this weekend that wouldn't post and am only now able to post them from work.)

I had horrible insomnia as a kid (starting around age 6), which I only really got under control when I discovered pot in high school. (Look at me, being all honest and sh*t.) Before that, I just lived with being incredibly tired all the time. My parents and doctors were constantly convinced I had various illnesses that make you tired -- for years, I got tested for leukemia, mono, and anemia every time I had a doctor's appointment. Needless-to-say, I stopped smoking before we got on the conception trail and discovered that, after a few days, the insomnia had largely gone away. I have learned the cues that signal I am close to falling asleep, which helps to keep the anxiety at bay -- the anxiety that, of course, makes it that much harder to fall asleep.

Then, last night, I couldn't sleep. I just lay there. For hours. And it sucked. I sat there thinking and ruminating and stewing in paranoia and anxiety. The DBTs were overwhelming.

So I woke up this morning (feeling oddly refreshed for having gotten only a few short hours of sleep) and got out the doppler. And I couldn't find the heartbeat. I tried for a really long time. Longer than is probably safe for whoever is in there. And I still couldn't find it. After an interminably long time (like 35 minutes), I heard something. I'm going to call it the heartbeat, because anything else might send me into a terrible downward spiral. It was faint, but regular and at an appropriate rate (between 140 and 150). I could hear my own heartbeat interlaced with that sound, every 2-3 beats, much louder. whump-whump-WHUMP-whump-whump-whump-WHUMP-whump-whump-WHUMP. Not at all like galloping horses, as the manual proclaims it should sound. More like something you're not sure you heard at all but you tell yourself you heard because the alternative is TOTALLY FREAKING OUT (well, and because your spouse seemed to hear it too).

Sadly, I'm not feeling any better about the prospects of an easy sleep tonight. Two weeks to go until my next appointment.