Heartbreak

For some reason, I had a horrible feeling when I saw she had called, and it only got worse when I heard her message. Non-descript. Understated. Flat. Just not her. Not her at all.

One of my closest friends, a woman I love dearly and would do anything for, learned on Friday at her 18 week ultrasound that something had gone horribly wrong, that her baby's brain was too malformed to survive. She and her husband were going to wait to find out the sex, but they weren't going to have that moment in July to wait for. They chose to let her go, saying goodbye to their little girl.

My heart is broken in a thousand pieces for them. Please keep them in your prayers.

Eyes

Because Niobe asked:

Mine (excuse the unkempt eyebrows):


Harry's:

Ps are blue, as are both my parents'. For that reason, I suspect Harry's will remain blue too. That said, this is my eye at six months:


And at 2.5 years:


So who knows?

Five Months

My sweet baby boy,

It was a big month for you, dominated by our family trip to Mexico -- it only lasted 9 days, but the planning and anticipation, then the recovery, seemed to take up the rest of the month. Beyond that, the month was pretty uneventful.

As has always been the case, you are a much more pleasant boy when you sleep well, so keeping your sleep consistent is key every month. And this month was definitely inconsistent. You started getting cranky earlier in the morning, so I started putting you down earlier. Your afternoon nap got worse for a bit, then better again. You also started waking during the night again and refusing to go back to sleep. After a few nights, we tried letting you cry it out for fifteen minutes. You fell back asleep after fourteen. And that was the last night you woke up for no reason (though you have woken yourself up pooping a few times since).

On to Mexico. We were incredibly nervous about you and the trip. It was your first trip on a plane, and our friends who we were visiting don't have kids so they didn't have any kid stuff. You had never napped well (okay, at all) unless in your swing. And we have relied on your bouncy seat to keep you occupied while we ate for some time now. So we were super anxious. Or, better phrased, I was super anxious. I kept telling myself that the worse I thought it would be, the more pleasantly surprised I'd be when things were only somewhat awful -- managing my expectations, as it was. But everything went far better than could possibly be expected.


You were a rockstar on the plane. Even though we woke you up at 4:30 to go to the airport. On the first leg, you alternated between sleeping and eating. On the second, you did both those things, but you also tried to eat Daddy's Fritos and spent a lot of time laughing, mostly at your stuffed lamb, who seems to be your new favorite. You then showed off your big gummy smile in the line at Immigration, smiling at every person we passed as we snaked our way through. I like to think you made the experience a little better for everyone. And you were rewarded with your first passport stamp!

In Mexico, you saw the ocean for the first time -- oddly, you ended up seeing the Pacific before the Atlantic, even though we aren't far from the ocean at home. We spent most afternoons on the beach, which meant you spent most afternoons sleeping while one of us held you. Apparently, you find the waves soothing.

The water, not so much. You were terrified the first time your feet were dipped in, but I think you were just tired, as you fell asleep moments after your feet were taken out of the waves. (You also went in a swimming pool for the first time. Again, you didn't seem to like it at first, but adjusted fairly quickly -- it was a bit cold, so I don't blame you for being less than psyched.) By the end of the week, you at least seemed indifferent. I hope you keep trending in that direction. Your dad and I both love the beach, and while we both love sitting on the beach reading or playing beach games, our true love is of the ocean itself -- swimming, snorkeling, checking out tidepools -- we even tried surfing the last time we were in Mexico. I hope you will eventually share that love. Otherwise, you may be spending a lot of your childhood sitting on the beach by yourself while we enjoy the water :)

And our fears regarding napping proved unnecessary. The first day, we changed your diaper, put you in your sleep sack, and read you a story. Then we put you in the Pack N Play with your blankie. And you slept. For forty-five minutes. We did the same thing the next day, and you slept for two hours, as you did every morning for the rest of the week. (Afternoon naps ended up being in our arms on the beach, covered in sunscreen, wearing UV-protective clothing, and under an umbrella.)

Sadly, it has proven difficult to keep this going at home. The first three days we were home, you wouldn't nap for more than forty-five minutes, and your second nap was even shorter. Yesterday afternoon, I realized that I'd read the same story every day on vacation but hadn't gotten that out of my backpack since we got home. So I got it out. And you slept for two hours. And you've been napping better since. Apparently, you need to hear Kiss Goodnight before a nap. And I'm totally fine with that.

After months and months of torture, you seems to have decided that you rather like tummy time, at least for five to ten minutes at a time. You have figured out that you can reach and play with toys while on your stomach, which seems to make it more palatable. You love to push up on your hands, looking around and laughing. But you don't love it enough to want to do it on purpose.

On that note, you haven't started doing a ton of new things this month. You started blowing raspberries and seem to love doing so often. And you found your feet, of which you seem to be a big fan. But you still can't sit up for more than twenty seconds at a time, and you still only roll from front to back. But I'm totally okay with that -- I'm in no rush for you to grow up any faster than whatever pace you set for yourself.

This month has seen some of your personality begin to emerge. You seem to be very people-oriented and, specifically, very attuned to the feelings of others. You smile at anyone who smiles at you -- a giant gummy grin that causes everyone to remark on how cute and sweet you are. I'm a little worried your going to get a big head from all the compliments. On the flip side, you cry instantly and ceaselessly the second you hear another baby so much as wimper. Even when they stop, it's tough to convince you that they're really okay, that their needs have been attended to, that you can stop crying. You also love to hold hands with other babies. And that's really sweet. Oh, and you seem to think your stuffed bear is another baby, as you love to hold his hand too.


Harry, I can't begin to tell you how much I love you. You are such an amazing little boy, so sweet and silly and full of joy. And even when you're not, I love you all the same. Every night when I'm getting you ready for bed I spend a couple of minutes telling you how much I love you, how I'll always love you, no matter what. I know you won't remember it, but I hope you will know it all the same. I love you, with all my heart.

Love,

Mommy

A New Day

Wee Hours

It's very quiet at this hour. The clock ticking over my shoulder. The boiler humming. The pipes clanging as they work to keep the house warm.

I feel the soft in and out of your breathing, the warmth of your breath against my collarbone, the rise and fall of your chest against mine. You've made it clear that this is the only place you're sleeping tonight. And as much as I'd like to be sleeping too, I love that you find comfort in me, your mama.

Four Month Check-Up

Harry saw the pediatrician yesterday for his four-month well-baby visit. He is now 13 lbs 5 oz (25th percentile) and 25.5 inches (75th percentile) with a 16.5 inch head (50th percentile). He's still long and lean (though he looks much chunkier than before) but staying on his same percentiles across the board.

He was on his best behavior for Dr. E. He was very smiley, giggly, and active, kicking up a storm (P suggested he might have been enjoying the crinkly sound of the paper, which was most likely the case). He spent a lot of time playing with a toy, showing her how he manipulates toys with his hands and mouth. He also did tummy-time and showed how good he is at leaning on his elbows. He wasn't a fan of the shots but did much better with them than last time -- he mainly seemed shocked by the first one, then semi-indifferent to the second.

She gave us the go-ahead to start rice cereal, but I think we're going to hold off another month. I'm in no big rush to start solids, plus I don't want to have to deal with rice cereal when we're in Mexico. And he's still a peanut, and solids don't add much calorie-wise at this point. She said to start sometime before our next appointment in March, which I'd want to do anyway since I want him to start solids before he starts daycare, and I'd be more comfortable waiting a bit longer. So wait we will.

Wordless Wednesday: Failed Efforts at a Monthiversary Photo with a Comparison Animal

Four Months

My big boy,

This month, you celebrated your first Christmas. And celebrate you did, even if you weren't aware of what it was you were celebrating. There's a series of car ads out right now, comparing a car to the recipient's best present ever, flashing back to childhood gifts like big wheels and video games. You won't remember it, but the look on your face the first time when you went in your jumperoo reminded me of those ads. Best. Gift. Ever. I loved seeing that look.

That said, it is important to me that you know what Christmas is all about -- that it's not just about presents (or spending time in the car). I don't want you to grow up thinking that Christmas is about gifts and money and material things; it is about something far more precious and wonderful. That is why we all went to church together on Christmas Eve.

Although your dad and I have different beliefs when it comes to religion, including Christmas(and when you're old enough, you can and will decide for yourself what you believe, hopefully with enough exposure to church to make that decision an informed one), we share the same values. Even if you ultimately choose not to believe in the miracle of Christmas, I hope you at least see it as a time to celebrate family and togetherness rather than a time for things. And that's why we spend time in the car. So we can go see the family that can't come to see us, like your Big Papa.

Speaking of that time in the car, you spent a lot of it sleeping. Much of this month was about sleep. You continued sleeping through the night, even when we were in strange houses, and even when we had to put you to sleep in one place then move you to another, neither of which was home, and for that we were very thankful. You fell asleep under the tree at your grandma's house. You even took a nap in the dog's bed. You did have a few days where you woke up in the middle of the night like you did when you were very little, but we got through them. At the end of the month, we even got you sleeping in your crib without the carseat (without any fanfare, I'd like to note). Hoorah! We knew you wouldn't go to college sleeping in a carseat, but that didn't keep me from fearing that you might need to bring it to day care. Or kindergarten.

At the end of the month, you reminded us that you are very unpleasant when you don't take a nap. You reminded us of this by refusing to nap for days, then being Mr. Crankypants. Just so you know, we hadn't forgotten.

You finally napped again while snuggled against me in the wrap. When I was pregnant with you, I assumed I'd spend much of your first few months wearing you in that wrap. But I didn't. At first because I was nervous, and then because you didn't seem to like it. Not just the wrap, but any kind of snuggling or closeness, other than when eating or immediately thereafter. You were a very curious guy, very interested in exploring the world. I felt a little sad at first, but I got over it.

Motherhood hasn't gone the way I expected it to in a lot of different ways, and that has made me a far more flexible person in general. That said, I was thrilled that you wanted to snuggle close to me, that you found me comforting and soothing. And you've wanted to be held a lot more since then. I know it won't last forever, and that's okay. Because I love that you're curious about and engaged with the world. But I'll enjoy these moments for all they're worth as long as they last.

Speaking of your independence, one sign that it will be coming soon is that you started rolling over. You only go in one direction (tummy to back) but you can do it. And have done it daily for the past week or two. Usually right before your bath, when we force you to do naked tummy time. Which is the way you prefer to do tummy time, if crying less can be called a preference.

And you continue to love the bath. You especially love to kick and splash. With the goal of ejecting the hippo from the tub. The other bath toys can stay, but not the hippopotamus. Stupid hippo.

Finally, this month you began to develop a relationship with the dog. You follow him with your eyes and face as he moves around the room (making it hard to take your picture when he's around), touch him when he goes by, kick him when he bothers you. You don't seem to mind the incessant licking. And, man is it incessant. We hope it just means that he wants to protect you. Or wants you to smell like him. Or something positive. Either way, you each seem to see each other as a part of the family.

Our family. Every day I am amazed that you are a part of it. And I can't imagine life without you.

Love,

Mommy

I Think He Reads This Blog

Mr, No Naps took two naps yesterday, the first on me (right after I posted my last post), the second in his swing, for a total of nearly 4 hours of naps. He napped again this morning when I put him in the swing so I could take a shower. (Ah, showers, how little I appreciated them before Harry. I will never take them for granted again). And this is him now:


(That is Harry, asleep in the wrap. Sorry for the quality -- taken with the camera phone, and I was due for my "new every two" two years ago but actually like my phone with its super long battery life.)

I'll take what I can get for naps at this point. He's been so much more pleasant!

Man, I Hope It's Just A Phase

Note: I have a whole bunch of half-finished posts saved as drafts but am hoping that starting a new one will somehow get one finished.

I made the mistake of saying aloud that I feel as though I am fairly comfortable with this whole parenting thing (in fact, there's a half-written post about that topic and how it relates to my job in my drafts folder right now). He must have heard me say that because he has been absolutely impossible all week.

For one, he has been refusing to take naps. The good days, he takes one. The less good days, none, or at least none longer than 20 minutes. And Harry is not a pleasant boy when he gets overtired. He cries and fusses and is generally unpleasant to be around. Thankfully, he is still going down easily at night and is still sleeping through. But getting through the day with an overtired child is hard.

He has also discovered that he can scream. Loudly. When the pediatrician doing rounds first saw him in the hospital, he commented that Harry seemed to like to hear the sound of his own voice. And now I am coming to see how prescient that was. He screams a lot. And not because anything is wrong. Just. Because. He. Can.

Finally, he has gone from being a boy with a lovely disposition who only cries when tired and rarely fussed at all to being one who whines. A lot. He grunts and fusses and heh-heh-hehs all the time. Nothing makes him happy for more than five minutes. Not toys. Not reading. Not listening to music or singing songs. Not the Bumbo. Not the bouncy seat. Not even the Jumperoo. He doesn't seem hungry, but nursing provides a respite from the whining so he has been doing more of it, which makes me feel like a bad parent, attempting to solve my child's non-hunger-related problems with food. And it persists even immediately following a nap, which makes me fear that it's unrelated to the overtired issue.

Of course, he then behaves like a saint when P comes home at night so that I think P thinks I am making it up. I really hope this is a phase. If not, it may make it a bit easier to go back to work in March....