The Joneses

Friends of ours bought a new home last fall. They knew the market was bad and that they wouldn't be able to sell their old one for anything approximating what they felt it was worth, so they rent it out for approximately what they pay on the mortgage each month. Between their two homes, they own approximately three times as much house as we do, property-value-wise (space-wise, it's more like two times, and I don't have a clue regarding equity). I have no idea what these friends earn, but I don't imagine that it's significantly more than what we do.

Other friends of ours are currently looking to buy a new home (they currently have a condo). The places they are looking at are definitely out of our price range by a reasonable margin (not that we're looking -- I'm pretty sure we're underwater on our mortgage as it is). And they, combined, earn quite a bit less than we do.

I don't feel like we spend frivolously (but maybe we do?) or do anything crazy as far as finances go. Our debts are limited to 1. mortgage 2. student loans from law school (not huge) and 3. car loan (also not huge). For assets, we have our house, two cars (one paid for, the other worth far more than we owe on it), several retirement accounts (I think P has two from his current job, plus an older one, and I have one from my current job, plus an older one), a brokerage account, Harry's college fund, and our basic bank accounts. In the balance, we have a decent net worth, despite the craptastic economy and its effect on our home value and our various retirement and brokerage accounts. Yet somehow it feels like other people in our same geographic area (and therefore with a similar cost of living) seem to be able to stretch their money further. Part of it, I'm sure, is my uncertainty regarding my future job situation -- I feel like we have to maintain a reasonable savings level in order to ensure we can get by when I lose my job. But the rest of it? I have no idea.

Having had the realization that others seem to live better on less (and, yes, I recognize that it's a "seem to" issue), I signed up for Mint.com in order to better track our finances, though it's a bit tough since P and I still (after nearly five years of marriage) haven't merged our accounts, so it really just reflects my finances right now (though I do earn 75-80% of our household income and am responsible for most of our expenses). I have also started pulling together a binder of important financial info, containing current statements from all our various accounts and copies of insurance policies, etc., both so we have a comprehensive record of everything should anything happen to one or both of us and so that we can begin to evaluate where we stand. To that end, I think we need to consult a financial planner. I need someone else to look over our stuff and tell me where we're going wrong (or tell me that we're not). I've started formulating my list of questions, but am not entirely sure where to begin. (I'm open to advice on that subject.)

Does anyone else ever feel like they missed some important day at school in which planning for the future and figuring out how to manage one's financial affairs was covered? Or is it just me?

How Much Can One Couple Accomplish in Nine Weeks

For the past several weeks, it's been weighing on me how much we have to do and how little time we have in which to do it, both on a daily basis and on a more global oh-my-word-this-child-is-due-in-nine-weeks basis. (Speaking of which, the reality of having a second child hasn't sunk in at all. At all. I can recognize that I'm pregnant, but that there will be a baby at the end? Lost on me.)

I sat down this weekend to put together a to-do list. By the time I was done, it was three pages long. Three damn pages. I think seeing its length, plus having it broken into discrete tasks (with the validating feeling one gets from checking items off a list) has spurred us both into action.

The list includes, but is not limited to:

• Finish painting trim of Harry's big boy room (BBR)*
• Clean walls and floors of BBR
• Remove all tools, etc., from BBR**
• Paint furniture (dresser, bed, trunk, bookcase, desk, chair) for BBR***
• Buy a second crib
• Buy a second crib mattress
• Assemble crib
• Buy bedding/decor for BBR and decorate room
• Clean out closet of BBR
• Put foam tiles back on floor of playroom (we took them up when the basement flooded two weeks ago)
• Acquire double stroller
• Get all of Harry's clothes and cloth diapers out of the nursery and into his BBR
• Get all 0-3 clothes from attic and make sure they're clean, then put away anything neutral enough to use regardless of what we have
• Get all newborn cloth diapers from attic and make sure they're clean, then put them away
• Get bouncy seat and swing out and find a place for them
• Wash playmat and set it up in playroom
• Reinstall carseat base for infant seat
• At least pretend to have some sort of conversation about names for this child
• Pack hospital bag
• Come up with a firmer plan for Harry for when we go to the hospital (plan is currently "call MIL")
• Get a second carseat for MIL's car (which will move to our second car when we're all home from the hospital)
• Clean out freezer
• Make freezer meals
  

And then there are the things that need to get done and would ideally get done before we become a family of four, but which are not 100% critical:

• Finish patio (yes, this was on the pre-Harry list too)
• Get estimates and hire electrician (also on pre-Harry list)
• Put up fence
• Purge crap from entire house
• Organize house once less cluttered
• Hire a new cleaner
• Organize our finances
• Develop some kind of estate plan
• Find and meet with a financial planner
  

Possible? Maybe. But not likely (way to be optimistic, huh?). There just aren't enough hours in the day/week/month to work full time, take care of Harry (and Buddy, who really needs his nails trimmed and needs a vet tech appointment for one shot or another), sleep, and do everything on the list, while also not getting burned out. I am burned out just thinking about it.

* Harry will be moving into a big boy room (but staying in a crib) before the new baby arrives so that the new baby can move into the nursery. The nursery is just too small for Harry to stay in once long-term, so we're going to try to make the transition now.

** The BBR was the guest room and needed its ceiling replaced, which P and his mother's husband did at Christmas time. Yet the tools remained, and the painting (while mostly done) wasn't finished).

*** Harry is inheriting all of my childhood furniture. It's in decent shape, but is ugly -- thankfully in ways that can be fixed by paint, we hope.

At My Spit's End

I can't take it anymore. I feel like I spend half my day handing Harry his cup, watching him spit, saying no, wrestling the cup from his hands, and wiping milk off everything in sight. It's gotten to where he asks for his cup, then starts raspberrying before I even hand it to him. It has been MONTHS now. And I have no idea what to do anymore.

When I have asked folks for advice, they always tell me to say no and take it away, which is what we've been doing with no success. Or they say that it means he isn't really thirsty, except that he is begging for his cup and cries and cries when it is taken away. Or that he is testing us to be sure we'll be consistent in our response, except that we have been consistent for months and he hasn't stopped. (And I feel like the harder we try (including prohibiting raspberries when not drinking), the worse it gets (fifteen minutes of non-stop raspberries).) Or that he'll outgrow it -- when? when he's 40? Months, people, it's been months. Someone must have experience dealing with this successfully after the aforementioned efforts have failed. Please help!

Honestly, I feel like we are reliving the biting-while-nursing issue (which never got resolved), but in a way that is thankfully far less painful to me physically but which is bringing up some old emotional wounds.

Anniversary, Apathy, Exhaustion: Catching Up

So I have had a bunch of posts that I've meant to, well, post, but haven't had time. So, in order to catch up, I'm just going to do a bulleted list of stuff, starting with the good and moving to the less good:

• P and I celebrated our four year anniversary last week (the 20th). Four years is the fruit & flowers (traditional) or appliances (modern) anniversary. So P sent me flowers and gave me a new air conditioner for our room (we had given ours to Harry). I sent him an edible arrangement (with the anniversary sampler added on) and got him a second guitar for Guitar Hero. Very romantic :) On Saturday, my SIL babysat, and P and I enjoyed a fantastic dinner out, then went to see Harry Potter at the IMAX. It was an awesome night -- wonderful meal, great movie, better company. Happy anniversary, P!
• Harry has begun table food in earnest. We have ordered him food off the kids menu at a couple of restaurants. It has been quite messy but fun. It seems he will eat anything with tomato sauce. And he loves blueberry pancakes.
• I find myself somewhat busy at work. I've been having a lot of trouble motivating lately (see next bullet), though, which isn't good. I have a lot more to say on this, but it's not really a bullet list kind of thing.
• Lately (like, since June), I've been feeling, well, not myself. I guess that's the best way to describe it. I've been feeling tired and run down and generally apathetic. I just don't care about much of anything. Most of the time, whatever I'm doing, I'd rather be doing something else. And beyond apathy, I am definitely feeling some degree of antipathy when it comes to work. I have waves of feeling differently, but they are infrequent and unpredictable. And I have been eating too much, in a very mindless way, and not healthy food, which makes me feel more run down and generally bad about myself. I had an appointment with my doctor last week (for a physical) and brought it up with her. She did a bunch of bloodwork to rule out any physical causes, and it all came back normal. Her best guess (and mine, I suppose) is depression. She recommended an anti-depressant. But the last time I tried one (in college), I had a very bad reaction to it (severe anxiety -- severe enough to land me in health services, where they doped me up on a boatload of sedatives). So I'm reluctant.
• My tiredness/run down-ness is not being helped by the fact that Harry has gone from being a great sleeper to being a mediocre (at best) one. After sleeping through the night since 10 weeks, we have now had several weeks of wake-ups. Some wake-ups are quick, others not so much. And he pulls himself to standing and will wail on and on, so we can't really just let him cry it out, though we may try some modified form of it tonight in the hope of finding something, anything, that might help. For an example of what we've been dealing with, on Tuesday I was working until about 1am. I then couldn't sleep. I finally fell asleep at 2 or so Within 5 minutes, Harry woke up screaming. When I went in there, his elbow was stuck in the bars of the crib (his actual elbow -- his hand and body were still inside, but his elbow was outside). I unstuck it and rubbed his back for a bit. He lifted his head up (which is generally an indication that he's about to sit, then stand), so I picked him up to settle him, but he was like a sack of potatoes. I put him back down a minute later. He moved around a little and fell back to sleep. This was one of the better nights. But I then had trouble getting back to sleep. So last night I decided to go to bed early-ish (10:30 or so), since I'd only slept 3 hours the night before. But Harry didn't like that plan. He woke up at 10:45, screaming. We let it go for a few minutes, but it got worse rather than better. P went in to rock him, but Harry continued to scream/cry for an hour or more, preventing me from sleeping. He finally calmed down, but wasn't sleepy. At 12:15, I took over, and after 15 minutes he was asleep. But he woke up when I tried to leave. By that point I was too tired to deal, so I turned off the monitor so I could sleep and let P take over again. Harry didn't fall asleep until 1:15. During the time he was awake, we tried Motrin and Orajel, in case it was teething. P gave him a bottle, in case it was hunger. He had a few farts, but not enough for me to think it was gas. He's pooped a bunch lately, so it's not constipation (though the poops have been wetter than usual, but not so wet as to make me worry about a bug). P thinks it's developmental, relating to an approaching language development, since he tends to spend his settled-but-not-sleepy time "talking." (He says "duck" and "book" (and other things, but mainly those two) over and over, pointing at any number of things, most of which are neither ducks nor books.) I'm nearing a breaking point.

And that's all I have to say about those things for now. Advice and/or assvice on any of those topics is welcome.

One Week Down...

Monday, I got home from work and thought "I survived going back to work!" and felt very self-satisfied. Then I remembered I would have to go back to work *every* day from now on. And that left me feeling very sad.

Harry seemed to enjoy daycare. He had no issues at drop off (and didn't seem any happier to see me at pickup than he did the other kids' mommies). For him, one lady taking care of him seems to be as good as the next. As for me, I cried a lot the first day, some the second day, a little the third day, and remained tear-free on the fourth. So, progress, I suppose.

I still have two main concerns.

One, I'm a little worried about his activities during the day. From looking over his log, I'm worried he spends most of the day in one of three places: the highchair (having his lunch and being kept safe while Miss M prepares lunch for the big kids), in the pack n play (for naps) and being held (while having a bottle or going to the park). I'm not sure he's getting much floor-play time, but I could be totally wrong (and very well may be, since he rolled back to front for the first time on Tuesday evening and has done it consistently and easily since). I'll speak to her about it Monday when we drop him off.

Two, I don't know how long I'll be able to keep up with him by pumping. He drinks 18 ounces of breastmilk in the 9 hours he's there (3 6-ounce bottles). That seems like a ton of milk to pump. I was able to pump close to that this week, but I don't know that that will last as my body adjusts to pumping rather than nursing that often. I have a decent freezer stash to supplement but I'll burn through it fast if my supply takes a nosedive. And whatever I pump at night before bed is what I use for his cereal meals the next day (and that's barely enough, now that he has 1/4 cup of cereal twice a day). That may be the first sacrifice -- I may switch that to water or formula and use that milk for bottles. On a related note, I'm surprised to find that I don't loathe pumping (not that I enjoy it, but...). That said, I really miss breastfeeding. I miss the closeness, the time that is just for me and Harry, gazing at my sweet boy and stroking his hair while I meet his most basic need. It's hard not to cry even just thinking about it now, even though he's only a foot away from me, playing in his exersaucer.

So, one week down. A lifetime to go.

Inconsolable

Harry has been completely inconsolable for hours. I think he's just really tired but he won't go to sleep. He's nursed multiple times; he's had his diaper changed; we've changed his clothes. The swing doesn't help. The glider doesn't either. He doesn't like swaddling. It's so incredibly difficult to listen to him cry and cry and cry and feel like there's nothing I can do to make it better.

39w1d

I am so tired. I woke up last night and couldn't fall back asleep and now I just feel completely wiped out. And overly emotional.

I got to work this morning and pushed the elevator button. The light above a car flashed, as the car was already there, but the door closed when I pushed the button, and the button deactivated, so I couldn't get on that one or summon another. Then two women with too much makeup and too much perfume got on the first one that came, along with seven other people, all of whom were going to lower floors than I was. By the time I got to my office, I was on the verge of tears for no reason at all. And I still am.

This is all made worse by a combination of my truly ambivalent feelings about work and my overwhelming (and not at all unrealistic) fear that I am going to be fired while on leave. My hours have been really bad for a long time now, and that is how we are judged here. From what I've heard, they give you one review period (six months) before they let you go, but with a second you are at real risk of firing. And my review will be while I'm out on leave, and my hours sucked this period too (as they did in the last), putting me in that "real risk" category.

Were this to come to pass, I don't know that it would be that hard to get a new job doing the same basic thing at a decidedly similar place (though I probably won't be able to go part time, which could be a real problem, since I'm not sure who will take care of our child if P gets a job an hour from our house, which is what he wants, and I have to work 60+ hours a week, as day cares don't do long hours, and I would really prefer not to have to do that), but, coming back to that ambivalence, I'm not sure I even really like what I do. But I earn 80% of our household income, and P really wants/needs to get out of his job, which will entail a further paycut for him, so I think I'm stuck doing this for a while longer (which seems fair, since it's only been three years and I still have 40K in law school debt, plus we have a mortgage, payments on the new car, the rising cost of oil to heat our drafty house, etc.). My other ambivalence issue is that fact that in addition to not being sure I like what I do, I'm not sure I'm very good at it. I think this is in part what kept me up last night and is contributing greatly to my stress these days. But I don't know whether I'm really not good at it or if I just feel that way right now because I'm tired and probably should have stopped working a week or two ago. Right now, I just wish I had an easy job with some real job security.

Today may be one of those days where I close my office door and cry for a while.

Eek: 27 Days to Go and Major Life Changes

27 days to go. And that's assuming no early arrival. That said, I was born on my due date, and P was four weeks late, but I have no sense as to whether our mothers' experiences are at all predictive.

I am feeling somewhat better about how much there is to do. Between last week and last night, we made some progress on the list. We sorted stuff last week and put all things requiring washing into the hamper. We also started the laundry last night. I know you're supposed to wash baby things before use -- how many times? We're going with two, but I'm starting to wonder if we should just do one for clothes/blankets and only do more for cloth diapers. We have our Taking Care of Your Newborn class tonight, so maybe we'll find out then. The corner shelves were a pain in the ass for P to install given that our walls aren't square, but they got done last night and look awesome. We'll probably tackle the wall shelves tomorrow. And we ordered a quilt hanger -- thanks Nicki!

*************************************************

On an unrelated-to-baby note, this weekend, my dad got remarried. It's weird to be 31 and get a whole bunch of new family members. I went from having one brother to four, plus a new sister in law and niece. I'm not sure to what extent I'm supposed to think of them as brothers, etc. -- if I was a kid and we all lived together, then sure, of course they're siblings, but as adults it's different, or at least it feels that way.

And there's also the significant change that it represents to all of our lives. For us (me, my dad, and my brother), getting through my parents' divorce involved the repetition of a lot of traditions and the creation of new ones. It gave us a sense of stability in a time that was seriously lacking in it. I definitely came to rely on that repetition and sense of constancy, probably too much so. It was just the three of us for so long. Now, with each passing year, we seem to add new family (first P and his family, then my SIL and hers, and now my dad's wife and her family), and while each addition is a blessing, it requires a change in "what we've always done." Thus far, the changes we've made have been relatively limited -- my dad and brother/SIL have joined P and I with Ps family for Thanksgiving for 8+ years; P and I cut the time with each of our families short at Christmas in order to fit everyone in, resulting in a lot of time in the car; P and I only do vacation with my famly every other year to allow us some travel time on our own -- but my dad's routine throughout this time has stayed largely the same or accommodated us, so it's only been our routines that have changed.

But it won't stay that way. My dad will be moving further away (from an hour away to three hours away), and, I assume, will be spending at least some holidays with his wife's family. He's very nonconfrontational (and rather passive-aggressive), and I fear that will result in us seeing very little of him, except when it doesn't much matter to her (such as Christmas (she is Jewish), which is the holiday that is the most difficult for P and I as it is, given the number of people that expect to see us and given Ps (and my) reluctance to do all the driving with a baby and my family's unwillingness to accommodate our needs). And I'm not sure where any of it leaves me, other than with feelings of abandonment and terror. For so long, my brother and I accommodated my dad's wishes around holidays because he was sad and lonely and it was what he needed. But now it's what I need and I feel like no one gives a shit. Several years in a row we didn't even see my dad for Father's Day because he made other plans, and it broke my heart, but it felt selfish to say so.

Bottom line: As much as I know I'm gaining a lot of new family, I feel like I'm losing the one I had, and it makes me incredibly sad and afraid at a time when I'm already feeling overwhelmed. I wish I could grab hold of my family and force them to stay close and keep things the way they always were, but I know I can't. I know things change and the world doesn't revolve around me and my needs but sometimes I wish it did.

Paralysis: Time to Make Lists

I feel a tremendous paralysis with respect to the things that I need to get done. In short, when I have a lot to do, I feel overwhelmed by it and therefore do nothing. As a result, I live in a constant state of stress and anxiety -- and I have the ability to do something about it but don't. And this is bad. In an effort to give myself a kick in the pants (and feeling inspired by Katie's lists), I am making lists.

These are the things that are currently on my baby-related to do list (many of which are thankfully non-urgent) -- I reserve the right to add to it and/or cross things off as I accomplish them (green=in progress):

• Hang clock in nursery
• Hang corner shelves in nursery
• Hang wall shelves in nursery
• Hang quilt in nursery (figure out how to do so beforehand -- suggestions?)
• Sort through all the presents we got at our shower, putting away what we can and putting all things requiring washing into the baby hamper -- can't put anything away, though, until the shelves are up
• Wash everything in the baby hamper, numerous times ideally
• Wash all cloth diapers
• Call electrician to get new outlet put into the basement so we can get a freezer for down there for storing meals for after baby comes. (Also have them get a permit for basement work that P did and have it inspected so we can put the ceiling back up.) Need to get estimates first.
• Alternatively clean out freezer upstairs
• Make meals for freezing.
• Clean (as in straighten up -- thankfully we have a cleaning service that does that actual cleaning) our entire house -- it is a sty with crap everywhere. It's seriously embarassing. Anyone have any advice on clutter? I have a serious problem with it. I hate throwing things away, especially if we might eventually need them, but we don't have room for stuff. I think I may have some sort of serious problem. I can't bring myself to get rid of old cassette tapes, or Walkmen/Discmen (the latter is probably 15 years old), or faded color paper, or fabric scraps, or picture frames we haven't used (or hung, in the case of those that have pictures in them) since we moved 3.5 years ago.
• Clean out the cube storage unit in the family room and put baby toys in it
• Clear off coffee table and move to basement to make room for the baby in the family room
• Get car seat installation in new car inspected and base installed in old car (thankfully P installed the car seat in the new car last weekend -- I set up the Pack N Play, which was, I guess, another thing I did this past weekend and forgot about)
• Buy rechargeable batteries (a ton of Ds and some AAs) and a charger
• Decide whether MIL will be present for delivery
• Set up an appointment with HR to get things squared away for maternity leave
• Pick a pediatrician -- this will require scheduling interview appointments with at least a few, and I have no idea how to do this when I have to go to work every day
• Start thinking more seriously about day care -- I'm feeling very behind on this, even though we don't need it until March
• Get the stuff we didn't get through showers and have not yet bought ourselves -- definitely need: nursing pads, Lanisoh, outlet covers, crib pads, second changing pad cover (and possibly first -- it disappeared off our registry, but we haven't received it from anyone), additional layette items. I ordered most of the cloth diapering supplies we didn't get and will need right away yesterday. And I made us an appointment for a training session at a local cloth diapering store for next weekend; I assume we can pick up anything else we need then.
• Acquire some sort of nursing tank or gown (or anything at all appropriate as sleepwear) to wear in hospital (though I'm happy to say I finally ordered a couple of nursing bras)
• Pack hospital bags
• Finish picking names, or at least have another conversation about them
• Shower thank you notes

P has his own list of (non-baby-related) projects he has started but not finished, and this also stresses me out to no end. Here are some of them:

• Finish rebuilding the patio that he tore up almost 2 years ago -- it's going to be a safety hazard for a baby, and I don't know when it will ever get done since it's been two years and it's less than half done as far as the finishing work goes
• Put ceiling back up in basement so I can get the stuff that belongs in the finished section out of the unfinished section and begin organizing both areas (wow -- P did it all this weekend, even though there's still no ceiling
• Sort through the giant pile of stuff he brought over from his mother's attic that is currently cluttering up the unfinished section of the basement -- some of the stuff (like old fireworks) is dangerous!
• Finish weed-killing/grass-growing project begun in May -- stage 2 was supposed to be done in June, and it's August
• Start taking some of the necessary steps to find a new job, since he hopes to get one while on parental leave

I fear that P too is paralyzed by his list. Even if he just made ten minutes of progress a day on any one thing, he would be making progress. But some projects have necessary precursor steps (like the basement ceiling, which requires getting the electric work he did permitted and approved, which requires an electrician) and others are ones he says he can't do ten minutes of at a time since he has to change into dirty clothes to do them and shower after, which hardly seem worth it for only ten minutes of productivity and others still require that we have a day or two when rain isn't in the forecast, which hasn't really happened much this summer. P is super-ambitious when it comes to taking things on -- and very handy as well, but has a tendency not to finish projects he starts (some projects for the reasons noted). And I am just not in a position to be of much help on many of these things right now (and I've been on him about the job stuff since the fall of 2004 and have clearly made no progress). And I feel like a bitch nagging him at all since he does a ton of stuff around the house at this point, including all lawn mowing, more than his share of taking the dog outside, more than his share of grocery shopping, etc. And while he never puts clothes away, resulting in most of the clutter in our room, he otherwise contributes far less to the clutter in the house than I do (which I think drives him nuts). (See above for more on my clutter issues (though I did successfully freecycle our old TV and two old radiators that were taking up space in our basement).)

So, even though I am exhausted and my hands barely seem to function these days (this is rapidly becoming the worst thing about pregnancy -- I can barely open and close my hands, and if I use them for more than a couple of minutes, especially to grip anything, they tingle until they become numb), I think tonight when I get home I'm just going to start tackling the list. As much as I'd prefer to have dinner and/or watch TV, we really have to get this stuff done, and the stress of having all of this looming is way worse than dealing with being hungry or the desire to know what happened on the Olympics would be. We are running out of time, or we will if we don't get moving.