Sunday, March 30, 2008

16w0d

I never really thought I'd get to sixteen weeks. In my mind/heart/whatever, pregnancy ended sooner than that. I still haven't really figured out how to tell people and am secretly hoping that someone else will do it so I don't have to. Oddly, it's working so far. Word has been spreading at work, and I've been getting cryptic emails lately from people asking if I have any news. I usually just respond with a date. Again, it's working so far.

I had to go shopping this weekend to buy some clothes that fit, or at least fit better. I was down to four bottoms that fit without one of those belly band things, and three more that worked with it (always very professional to walk around a law firm with your pants undone), and I was scared people would start to notice that I was rotating the same outfits week after week. I almost had a panic attack standing outside the store -- complete with rapid heart rate, shortness of breath, light-headedness, sense of world fading to black. If P and a friend of mine hadn't been with me, I am pretty sure I would have run away. It was way too much for me, and I found the whole experience horribly unpleasant from start to finish.

I feel an odd ambivalence about having people know, which ties in to the clothes issue. If no one knows, and something goes wrong, I will find a way to get through it. What horrifies me is the idea of something going wrong and having to tell anyone else. I feel like people want to know about one another's issues as much for themselves as for the other (or at least that is the case in my family), and I have no interest in comforting anyone else if something goes wrong in my life, which I know will be expected, even if the person doesn't recognize they are in fact expecting as much. So I have been taking advantage of the fact that I, generally, don't really look any different, hiding in looser sweaters and wearing my regular pants/skirts, in the hopes that if no one knows and something goes wrong I can go about my business, crying in my office with the door closed, and shutting them all out.

4 comments:

Jen said...

Hooray for sixteen weeks! I vote just don't tell anyone if you don't want to. :) They will figure it out eventually. Or, if they don't, you can just start carrying a baby around.

Dr. Grumbles said...

I am so glad you've made it this far!

sushilover said...

Congrats on hitting 16 weeks! Wow I couldn't have said it better myself...I think about the possibility of getting to the point where you are at (someday) and have the same exact fear. Why does success and fear have to live so closely sometimes? Something about letting it out to the public just scares the crap out of me for the same reason. Something tells me though that you'll be just fine. My positive thoughts are with you! :)

Geohde said...

I actually find it a relief that I don't have to tell people any more, my stomach does the talking. I find it harder to wax enthusiastic as if nothing ever goes wrong (because of course it can) but it's progress.

People will figure it out, or not, on their own. Just ignore any nosy questions you don't feel like answering.

J